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Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Do I Love You Enough For Us?


We might kiss when we are alone
When nobody's watching
We might take it home
We might make out when nobody's there
It's not that we're scared
It's just that it's delicate
~ Delicate, Damien Rice.

I have been thinking a lot lately. Seriously. I have been thinking for many days and many nights. Sometimes I feel blue just thinking of everything. I am tired, you know.

I do not know what has changed. I do not think that it has. Whenever I hear your voice, I feel so loved all over again. I feel that I could love you forever. Then when I put down the receiver, I feel that everything is lost. I do not know where I am and I do not know who you are. I try to remember everything but everything seems so far. If I try hard enough, I can see how we loved each other, like a dark blue line at the sea’s horizon.

I think I am lost. Or maybe it is you who is lost. Or perhaps we are both lost. Maybe we were lost and now we have found ourselves. It feels as if we both resurfaced from a lake on a bitter winter's day. We reached out and breathed hard for the first time and we realised that we were not what we dreamt we were. Maybe this is just the realisation that we are not who we were.

Does this mean we have changed? Or maybe we have grown up? I do not know how we ended up this way or maybe how I ended up like how I am right now. But I am standing in this corner of the world and I am alone. And for the first few times in my life, I do not like being alone and I do not want to be alone.

Admittedly for a long time, I loved coming home to Malaysia alone and having everything to myself. I had you to fall back on, if ever I needed your love and support. I worked very hard and put my every waking hour to work. But when the night fell, I put on my pointy toe shoes and danced the nights and weekends away. I had fabulous days with friends and endless nights with close friends. It was the best of two worlds and I loved it.

Notice the past tense? I am not loving it now. I do not know what inside me changed but I am sure that I have. I yearn for something more stable and concrete. I long to wake up and see your face. I want to rush off to work after sharing the bathtub with you. Then I drive to work thinking and smiling. I am smiling because you kissed me three times.

I miss your voice. I want to hear you calling my name during lunch break. I want Friday afternoons to mean secret lunches for just the two of us. Would it not be wonderful to open the door after a tiring day at work and next to my pair of shoes is yours? You would be playing some games on PS2 just a few metres away in the winter living room. I want to hear what you did today and how excited you were on Monday when you met your latest project dateline.

I long for weekends where we walk along the parks or take a slow drive to nowhere, like how we often did in the past. I want simple grocery shopping sessions, where we lazily walk through the aisles and choose what we would have for dinner in the coming week. I want to smell the sweet aroma of Thai curry, bubbling hot in the pan, where two cap full of rice would be sufficient for our delicious evening dinner.

It is no longer thrilling to slip into my highest heels on Friday evenings. I no longer feel flattered or cheerful when some guy sends a drink over or starts a piece of conversation. Not even if he was gorgeous. I do not want to be where the music is loud and you cannot hear your soul speak. Or where the flashes of light are so bright that they blind your eyes. I do not want to stand where alcohol passes so quick that it numbs your senses.

I want to feel the touch of your fingers running against mine. I want to hold your hand when we cross the street. We will brave the traffic together. I want to sit in a restaurant where we can discuss what we are having for dinner. Then I swap my plate for yours because you always chose better. I want to fall asleep listening to you talk about some latest boy’s toys and when I rub my eyes, all I see through the dark is you.

Yes. I loved the jet setting lifestyle I had since 2000. It has been a privilege. That I know. How many people do you know spend half a year in Malaysia and the other half frolicking somewhere enjoying the best that Europe can offer in summer? Not many. These years of here and there will live for a very long time in my memory. I suspect that those years would be the things that I will remember when I can no longer remember anything.

Yet I think it is time to move on. That time has passed and now I have reached a new level. I want my own house, with my own set of cutleries and tableware. I saw this beautiful long wooden table in Ombak and instinctively I wanted to pack it back home. I want to fill my house with beautiful things, of books and paintings. And then I want to fill it up with laughter and love.

Sometimes I wonder if everything is worth what I have paid. A love that is so sweet but so far away. What would I do if I had not found you? I would have been lost. That was how I was when you found me. And I will be lost without you.

So what am I to do? I am a broken doll. Will you come and save me? Will you put me together again? Or do I have to stay forever like this? My heart aches and I do not what to do. I do not want to live like this forever. Do I have to find someone new? Will the person love me as much as you do? Will I regret that I gave up on you? Will you give up on me? Do I stay where I am? Will things change? Will you walk through my door with your shirt and tie? Will we drive to Fraser's on weekends, like we often did? Do you love me enough for the two of us?

Do I love you enough for us?

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Lot of emotions, thoughts and sensitivities here!!Lovely blog.Emmie

11:26 am  

Oh OTto,your post made me sad...cross continental love truly sucks, i always wonder the same, when the time comes to it, do i love him enough for us? good luck and whatever your decision; know in your heart that you made it, and it will be the right one.

3:48 pm  

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