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Malaysian Alien


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Friday, February 09, 2007

I have been trying to figure out why is it that I seem to be the only person to attract the crazies and the obsessed. Men who beg in front of my house at night, claiming that they will die if they do not see me before midnight. Men who cry like babies when I decide that perhaps the friendship we shared was getting out of line.

Crazy old men who walk past Coffee Bean, only to spot the chair next to mine, sit on it and say, “If uncle were younger, I’d take you for my wife” so loud that three tables around would snicker.

“Eh E, tell me honestly. You DO get crazy men too, right? It is just that you don’t want to tell me about them,” I asked E during our private moments.

“Nope,” came the swift short answer.

It took me a very long time to figure this one out. It was only in my mid 20s that I realised that perhaps there was a little secret why I successfully turned men into crazy commitment seeking, “I want to share my life with you” freaks of nature.

So if you are a girl and you can’t seem to find a man to commit himself to you, you might find the following paragraphs rather useful. I shall share three points today and you tell me what you think.

David Beckman And The Stash Of Porn
There are things that friends do and there are just things that friends do not. Common friends talk about the weather. Or how on earth David Beckham is going to spend his USD1 million a week. General friends stick to general topics such as the flash floods happening around and why Tesco Malaysia does not have bargain buys, like they do in the UK. The one thing that normal friends do not do is talk about really personal stuff.

Lovers talk on a different level. They talk about deeper and more personal topics. A pair of love doves will talk about their childhood, what made them happy, what made them sad and what they dream of each night. They walk down memory lanes, talking about their disappointments in life and their hope for a better future. Lovers share their deepest secrets and thoughts.

Such as how she discovered a stash of porn in her parent’s cupboard when she was 13 and she learnt to pleasure herself for the first time. Or how he used to drink sips of wine from his father’s favourite crate of best wines since he was 16 and now all that is left are empty bottles.

If and when you start talking about your personal life and by that, I don’t mean your favourite curry house, you are beginning to fall into a new phase of your friendship. This is often the first flashing light that you have crossed the country called Friendship into its sister country, Relationship. Do not talk about why you like your French knickers if you do not want to develop a relationship with a man. Conversely if you wish to ride on the relationship boat, you can try and open your inner thoughts to the man.

Both men and women are alike in this area. You begin to love someone and you feel special because you think you are the only one who had the privilege to witness something so personal. You notice the person’s favourite phases. You remember the way he or she walks or waves when you walk by. You know how they brush their teeth or how they arrange their workday. When you know this things and when you think you are the only ones (or the few) you will begin to feel love.

And when you allow a man to explore your private world, he feels that he posseses a part of you that others do not. It is a form of ownership (that you are privileged enough to have the details of a person’s life) and when you no longer have access to the life, you will feel a sense of lost. And that is the moment you will start to obsess.

I am mindful these days. There are topics and information that I would not talk to common friends. Private topics are reserved for closer friends. I will only open myself up to men that I am seeking attention from. When I talk about my dreams and fears, it is a signal that I want to command the attention of a particular man I fancy. Beware when I ask you about your childhood and your relationship with your family because that means I want you. Here. Now.

Making A Bed
There is something absolutely blissful about changing bed sheets and making a bed. And when you can share this mundane task with someone you fancy, you have struck the Relationship bell. To make a person yours, a simple action such as buying bed linen and changing the sheets will give a sense of belonging to each other.

Quite obviously you do not change your bed linen with a stranger. Chances are, the person is already one of your closer friends. If you managed to purchase bed linen together and/or change your bed sheets together, you will be more than friends. Making a bed is a very personal ritual and one that almost guarantees you the person’s heart and mind, when you share it.

I hate changing bed sheets. That is because my bed is this huge and heavy thing. But I absolutely love my bed linen and I am one that would not save pennies buying cheap linen. Changing bed sheet is the one house chore that I never ask my house helps to do. Changing bed sheet, duvet cover and pillowcases is a task that is reserved for the man I want to share my bed with.

This I have noticed in a man - the man will lie in your bed and will offer his arm to you at night if you have successfully spent a weekend morning or afternoon pulling out old sheets and exchanging with the new together. It is a bond that is very intimate and very strong, one that is sexually suggestive and yet remains pure and innocent because it is a household chore. Like a Playboy bunny with a white fluffy tail and tights.

And I love changing bed sheet days with Alex. First we have to dirty the bed sheet as a reason to change them. Then on a Saturday morning, we rise at 10 a.m. and have a splashing time in the bathtub. We change the sheets when our bodies are warm and my long hair still wet. You can hear us moaning as we lift the heavy king size bed and straighten the linen. We giggle when we fluff up our feather pillows.

Then we lie in bed, smelling and appreciating the clean bed sheet. I roll around and we twist and we turn. And soon the bed is in a mess but I love every second of it, including dirtying the bed again.

Grocery Shopping
You cannot possibly drag a man to push a Tesco shopping cart next to you and unless the man is gay, you can be assured that you have scored the man if a man willingly go grocery shopping with you. This is how you know if the man likes you. And this is what I do to subtly suggest to a man that I want him a little bit more than just a friend.

Many might consider grocery shopping a chore, like how all married couples do. But it is an exotic household task to perform together, to signal that you view each other as more than just a “hello and goodbye” friends. An innocent and totally functional activity that you will and should only share with the person you have a love interest in.

For obviously reasons, you might (and can) shop with your colleague for an office farewell party or run to the local store to buy a birthday cake with your MiniBoyFriend. But the feelings evoked are different from shopping with a man that you love or have a love interest in. The kind of shopping I am talking about involves communication and negotiating.

Which type of washing liquid do you use?

Is the brand you choose better quality than the one he chose?

Why you should purchase the specific brand of tuna and not the other?

Does this shampoo smell good on you?

What colour the clothes hanger should be?

And boy, can you be coy when you go grocery shopping. Leave tiny trails of who you are and what you are like. The romantics will shop together. They negotiate what items to buy and they strategize. They discuss what flavour, colour, pattern, brand or products to buy. They shop in pairs and relish in the simple activity of walking down aisles in search of their weekly supplies. Even a straightforward purchase of instant noodles can be quite sexy, if you know how to play with your words. And no, I am not talking about using dirty language in public.

There comes a point in time when I invite the man I like, to go grocery shopping with me. I like to see how he is when he shops for ordinary day to day items. What he likes, what he does not like, how he chooses his things and why he made those choices. I can spend hours in the supermarket, just slowly walking and chatting with my love interest.

The man can be chivalrous and do manly things. He can fetch the can of soup from the tall shelf, for example. He can carry the crate of beer and even offer to carry the bags for you. And you can graciously accept the help, with your “please-s” and “thank you-s”. You can tuck your arm under his while you walk. Or take turns pushing the trolley. It is bliss.

When you have sex, you bind your physical bodies together. When you perform these rituals, you unite your very essence. Do not perform these activities if you do not fancy the man. It is cruel and unfair to him. It is cruel because these rituals will change the course of your friendship and elevate your status. He will feel that he belongs to you and you to him. These are simple, day to day routines but they are very intimate, if you really think about it.

These are the ways to crave your name in the man’s heart. When you lie in bed and talk about your dreams, you are tying your souls together. When you flip your bed and arrange your pillows together, you are subtly reminding him of you each time he sees his pillow. And he will miss you the next time he walks into the supermarket on his own.

And what is taming? Taming is the formation of a relationship, whereby you know the person intimately. And how do you tame? You tame by introducing rituals. And what are rituals? Rituals are the tiniest things done, first apart and slowly together, to bond the two of you together. And before you realise it, you will miss the person when you smell your pillow.

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1st!! and one more day!! i've been diligently trying to put a smile on ppl's faces. swear by the balls. :p

9:14 am  

just telling my boyfriend today abt how at one point i lost all faith in men because i only seemed to attract the crazies!!! stalkers, weirdos, very very very old men, creepy guys, jerkfaces...i dont know...hahaha thankfully Mr Current is none of those but nevertheless, the creepies still try to pick me up and yes i too have got marriage proposals from weird old men. there was this egyptian guy at the computer store...hahah..but never mind.

point is, i like what ure saying about talking about certain things. i think i talk about too much of everything with everyone, that the friends i have liked as more than friends push me into the "one of the guys" zone and the potentially creepy/sad/pitiful guys think its amazing that i "open up to them" when in fact im like that with everyone, taht they think im being intimately personal with them.

yes otto, so i too must learn to be as u put it...mindful ;)

1:39 am  

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