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Malaysian Alien


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Thursday, February 01, 2007
Compensations In Life

~ Your Love Is King, Sade

It is true. It is true that I would have been with you. If the world was still and I could hear my own voice, I would have gladly walk this life with you. I would sing a little tune and we would see a rainbow or two. But the world is in a rush and we are forever busy. And often my own voice drowns within myself and I am lost.

“Why do you smile so much?”

“Because I like what I see.”

"And what is it that you see?"

"I see beauty."

The first moment I saw you, I reckon there was something different about you. Something deeper and tranquil. I caught you looking at me whenever we were out for our weekend parties. You always smiled when my eyes fell on yours. Your blue eyes relentlessly pursued my attention. It was a gaze that said, “I want you to know that I am looking.” You were never apologetic for looking.

Quite honestly, some might consider it staring but I have eyes like yours too. Whenever I liked a man, he will know that I do because I would look for the longest time. A look that is so familiar. Eyes that said, “I am looking at you and I am not sorry for what I see.” Only a person who is confident is able to look at you in the eye and not waver. I am such a person and I like confidence in a man.

“So Antique, are you ready to go?”

“I am sorry, not today, Love. I am too sick. I promise I would walk with you anywhere when I get better.”

“Well we can’t break those ancient bones of yours, now can we?”

Maybe it is true. Age does matter and in your case, age has done you a great favor. There is something inside you that magnetize you. Instantly eyes are drawn to your presence. You are composed and your thoughts are gathered. Your voice lends a sense of calm to those around you. You are suave and poise and I think that combination spells disaster for a girl or two.

Maybe that is it. Your self assuring self assures those around you and it offers comfort. Comfort to me, when I feel lost or blue. There are tonnes of things to do and places to go but when I am with you, everything seems to slow down to a calmer pace. Sometimes it is relief to slow down. Sometimes I itch but that reminds me just how much I love my life.

“We had everything. A beautiful house with a river for a backyard. Fast cars and fancy things.”

“And then what happened?”

“We forgot to love one another."

Listening to you tell your life stories is like reading a good book. It is full of colour, drama, pain, triumph and a splash of climax or two. It is always heartwarming to listen to you talk about your inner thoughts. About your life and what you have done. About your memories of professional racing in your 20s and your baby, a bright spanking red Ducati. About your regrets, love and lost. What went wrong and what was right. How you wish to redeem yourself and how you plan to do so.

Your eyes had a tinge of regret and sadness over a love that lasted half your life but lost at the blink of an eye. I have never slept next to anyone for 17 years but I guess it must be painful to start sleeping alone again after so long. How you miss the scent and the smell and the image of a woman, laying peacefully next to you. I can see the promise you made in your heart, to love again and this time you will not forget the love you shared. I wonder how the woman must have been, to make you make such a promise.

“I want a family.”


“Because I don’t want to be old when my kids are still young.”

“Oh you mean, you prefer to push your 6 year old son’s swing than have him push you in your wheelchair.”


I have never seen a house so empty. No paintings. No books. No cans of food in the pantry. Not many clothes in the cupboards. No flowers. No scent of a woman. All you have is a collection of DVDs and a golf set. I teased you that these were compensation for something that is lacking in your life. You agreed that they were no match to being with a woman. You said golf was a poor compensation for love and movies were rotten activities when you could have had splendid sex.

You are the most broody bachelor I have met in years. The question pops in your mind everyday, plaguing you with thoughts of whether you will ever be a legend. You long to hear a child call you father. You are willing to die just to hear those words whispered into your ears. You wish to leave your mark on this earth when the earth is no more your home. You want a woman to cuddle and nuzzle at night. You want to share a child with her. You want to come home to four walls that is filled with books, toys, clothes and laughter. But here you are, sitting with the TV and junk food in an empty house.

Will you make a fantastic father? Would you be the best lover a woman would ever want in life? Did the past haunt you and shape you so you will love harder and stronger the next round? Do you look at a woman and ask, “will she make a great wife? Will she be the mother of my children?” Does your heart wonder if you will ever find someone to fill your house and make it a home again?

And each time when HBO plays some movie about family life, I turn and look at you. Your eyes will look back at mine, drawn from a secret place below. What do you see when you look at my stomach? Do you see your seed? Why does your heart yearn so much? Why do you have so much regrets? Why you have so much love? Why you smile so much these days? Do you hold a secret that I do not know?

Movie lovers lived, movie lovers died and your warm hands will trail over to mine. You give me a good quick squeeze and you hold a knowing smile. And when I ask what are you thinking, you will say nothing. You will tap my hand once and then I am left to guess what you are thinking while you hold that silent smile.

“You know, I think I am falling in love with you.”

“Hmmm. I have Alex.”

“That is most unfortunate for me.”

“Most unfortunate indeed.”

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I pity the guy. But I still prefer Alex hahahaha...

4:53 pm  

I don't think the guy is to be pitied. He is the most eligible bachelor within my group at the moment. He has girls throwing knickers at him all the time.

Under this circumstances, I pity Alex. Only I throw my knickers at him....

11:26 am  

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