Monday, January 29, 2007
I Miss You
~ Satisfaction, The Rolling Stones. I have been back in Malaysia since the 18th. On touch down, the phone rang like an alarm clock buzzing every ten seconds. Got straight into the office after a warm shower and wash. My staff grinned. They looked as if they were relieved that I am back in command, sitting in my little office. Perhaps it was comfort. PY and I launched ourselves into shopping mania. I had spent a quarter of my salary on clothes five hours after arriving back home. Went home with bags of new clothes, only to be greeted by my fat cat Milo. He had knots in his armpits, which he demanded me to attend to by laying on his back and showing me his armpit knots. Was out Friday night, catching the usual crowd of people. I went to Lola and gave dear D a warm hug. “You shouldn’t go to the UK too often,” he said between puffs. I realised that we have been friends for close to 5 years. That is how long we have been drinking together. Last Christmas was the first Christmas when I did not buy him some gift. Christmas was the only day in the year when I bought him something. He treated to me sweet bubblies for the remaining 364 days. Reached home at 6 a.m. Saturday morning. Slept 4 hours and caught PY for last minute breakfast. Then she was off to Langkawi for a week and one day. Had a special date on Saturday night, which turned out lovely. Then it was one drinking binge with E, E’s boyfriend, BestGuyFrien, Nikki and SL. That was two Saturdays ago. By last Saturday, nothing much had changed. I had very restless sleep during the four hours I get each night. I did not possess appetite for food and felt full after eating a bun or half a bowl of noodles. My dreams were vivid and wild. Some were sexual and Alex was not the man in my dreams. The dreams were disturbing in every sense of the word. I could not take the quarrels I had with my parents anymore and so I left home. I created a home of my own in an instant, purchasing pretty little furniture pieces and made myself a nest. I slept in my new room in my new bed with new bed linen but my seven pillows were the still the same. Maybe the stress of returning home, coupled by jetlag and non-stop weekend parties turned me into this zombie. I do not feel tired despite sleeping inadequately. I do not feel hungry if I had only one muffin a day. I worked during the day and when I had time, I ran to the boutique to buy yet another blouse that I would wear only once. I laid awake in bed, tossing around until 3 a.m. on weeknights and on weekends, I do not reach home before 6 a.m. the next day. And yet, I do not feel a thing. Or maybe I do. My world is not complete when I am not with you. Food taste bland and nothing is special in my life. I know what is wrong. I try to medicate my soul with clothes, shoes, pretty furniture and booze. Do you know that I had 2 glasses of whiskey on rocks, 1 tequila pop, 4 shots of vodka neat and 2 vodka cocktails. Then I had one whiskey on the rocks as nightcap before dropping myself on Nikki’s sofa. That was just one Saturday’s worth of drink. I tried to medicate my soul but then I realised that what I needed was you. Nothing feels right when you are so far away and I miss you deeply. My soul did not know this but now I do. I miss you. I miss the way you used to push me onto the bed and then you jumped on me, with your eyes and mouth opened wide, as if to scare me. Each time I giggled and screamed, watching you fall onto of me. It looked scary when you do that but when you do land on me, you were as light as a feather. You tickled me senseless each night before we go to bed. You said that it tired me out and I would sleep better. Each night I complained that I nearly peed in my panties and you said that it was erotic. And no matter how much I protested, you would tickle me again. This, I miss too. I miss running around the house with you. The house is small but it is filled with giggles and laughter. Sometimes you carried me on your back, like a stallion galloping up and down the stairs. Sometimes I closed my eyes and screamed for mercy but you knew that I was just pretending. You would be just out of my reach, each time when I stretch my hands out to touch you. You have the cheeky grin whenever you do that. You hold my attention whenever you are around. Your presence offers me security. I miss breathing heavily into the pillows. I miss listening to your jokes about migrating to Canada and your declaration that the world is ending. I miss you telling me how we would start a cult together and I would be written in as the goddess. I miss you making me a cup of hot chocolate or the occasional hot tea when my nose feels blocked by the damn sinus. I miss sitting at the end of the tub and you sucking my toes just to hear me giggle. I miss you loving me coy. I miss you swinging by for lunch, where we would sit in the little tight living room and we had the tastiest food. I miss marching into Tesco for our bargain hunts. I miss GU chocolate cake with you. I miss how you mewed for my attention. I miss nagging how you are annoying whenever you are without things to do. I miss watching you mow the lawn from the bedroom window. I miss watching you shave. I miss the way you look when I shave you. I miss listening to your endless stories of how the dehumidifier improved our laundry chores. I miss you showing off your vacuum cleaner that looked cute. I miss watching House in bed with you. I miss watching you as you watched Japanese manga. I miss you unpacking and petting your latest tent equipment. I miss your Leatherman. I miss your pimp daddy black shoes. I miss your ties that took some space in my cupboard. Yes, it is my cupboard. You hang your clothes on the left side and mine on the right. I miss the way you are meticulous with things and how you are manic about your bolts and screws. I miss catching you watching porn and you had a hard on. I miss your sniffling self when you cut onions for the curries. I miss you washing my hair. I miss drying your back after we have our morning bath. I miss you enjoying the way I fuss about you. I miss you doing things that make me fuss over you. The Malays have a proverb and I dedicate it to you. You are the reason why I "makan tak kenyang, tidur tak lena". (trans: "eat and I don't feel full, sleep and I don't sleep soundly"). Without you there is no satisfaction in my life. I love you with my heart and I miss you.  "I can't get no satisfaction |
Beautiful post, Otto. Good that you needn't had to wait 25 posts for the previous comment. I'll comment just to make it 25. Noone wanted to get rid of that photo more than Wouter. :)
I miss GU chocolate cake too.
I think it's great that you're so in love and I hope you'll feel better soon. *hugs
I am so in love with your writing. :)
don't know how you do the long distance thing...
Take good care of your health...
Go easy on the drinks if you can ok?
:)
Mae
The goo in the previous post was absolutely disgusting. If you thought the photo was bad, wait till you see the real thing. I poked at it for minutes. It is amazing what absolutely disgusting thing can come out of your body... hehehehe...
GU chocolate cakes are heavenly, aren't they?!
Wendii
Thank you *blushes*
Sze
LDR aren't the best form of relationship, for sure. And it gets harder and harder each time to leave him. So to start a cult in Canada, it is!
Ian
I had it easy on the drinks. I plopped myself on the sofa so they couldn't feed me more vodka...
The citizens of Bolehland ended the year 2006 in high spirits. Even though things did not quite work out for the work-with-me Prime Minister (PM), the government of the day took us to great heights in various ways.
We were also kept high-minded by former PM Dr Mahathir (Dr M), who instead of riding off into the sunset, got on his high horse and refused to come down from it - even after his manhood had been questioned.
Dr M felt it was high time to highlight to the PM that the latter had sold the country, stooped before his neighbours, stopped listening to 'My Way', stabbed him in the back and scrapped his pet projects……….He was not interfering, merely asking Pak Lah to step down, that's all.
It was difficult to differentiate between the annual haze and Dr M's high-end smokescreen. His past 'sins' were shrouded by his sensational high-drama series of a crooked-half-bridge, cancelled projects, crooks and cronies - with him playing the lead role as a reluctant saint.
Part of the drama was an arranged peace talk, during which Pak Lah kept his peace and Dr M talked with his high-hat on. The 'old man' gave the PM higher 'doses of venom' for his blistered image. The latter took down the long prescription……….and left everything to God.
As sparks flew, venom spewed and divisions grew, it became clear that the high-impact and the historic spat between the two had much more to do with the four issues raised by Dr M or his insinuations of the Oxbridge-trained people on the 4th floor of the PM's office.
It was about the elite in Umno jostling in high-gear with one another for the control of the country's resources. It was about privileged people in high places sinking so low in outdoing one another in their chauvinism and arrogance, and high rollers gambling away the country for high stakes.
In the name of Malay Supremacy and with the help of Executive Supremacy, the elite in the dominant party exerted their 'supremacy' over one another. They were at one another's throat whilst screaming at the rest not to question their state, status, and of course, superiority.
High hypocrisy:
Pak Lah's chime of change and his high-sounding anti-corruption cheer and chant continued on in 2006. He proved himself capable of producing the same old 'tap-and-dance routine' synonymous with his predecessor.
He displayed such 'high tolerance' for certain people in high places in Umno. For example, he held up high scandal-ridden former Klang municipal councilor Zakaria Deros as a "good leader". He told 'close-one-eye' Jasin MP Datuk Yusof to close his mouth and assured him that he will be given ear.
On the eve of the Umno General Assembly (GA), Pak Lah dished out an additional RM600 million (of the publics money) to spearhead rural development. The 'bonus' will go to 191 parliamentary constituencies (read as 'Umno divisions', excluding Sarawak where there is no Umno).
Lim Kit Siang rightly called it 'political corruption of the worst kind'. Dr M said it was 'very wrong' and that it 'has to be given to everybody'. But Pak Lah was not listening. He would roar very religiously that he was disappointed over the lack of debates on corruption during the GA.
(One cannot help but think of the highly hilarious statement of the occasionally-wise de facto law minister Nazri Aziz who declared with a straight face: "Money politics in Umno……….do not involve public funds or public projects." How naïve can Nazri be?)
By the end of the year Pak Lah had nothing to show - no high-profile individuals to be prosecuted for graft - not even amongst the unknown 18 of high standing on the corruption list. Mukhriz Mahathir was absolutely right - Pak Lah had offered nothing new at the GA - and neither had anyone else in Umno in 2006.
'Good governance' reigned in many local councils in 2006. A good number of politically-appointed councillors made good money in good time for 'the good of the people'. They built for themselves palaces, bulldozed the homes of the poor, blasted holy places of worship and bullied the marginalized.
The citizens began to doubt their tell-me-the-truth PM. His explanations regarding his son and son-in-law were treated as half-truths or outright lies. We asked him to tell the truth, but he would instead speak of his son-in law's rice bowl and of Dr M's children having been awarded far bigger projects than those given to his son.
Ferreted out of his 'elegant silence', and realizing it was time to play high-ball Pak Lah stuttered, stammered, stumbled and strained for 'the truth' to shore up his shaky defence against Dr M's accusation that Bolehland has become a 'half-past-six country which has no guts'.
Indeed, Pak Lah's half-past-six government often appeared at sixes and sevens - with either his ministers and officers contradicting one another, making u-turns, or with almost everybody free to pronounce policy - from minister to mufti to the mob and to the multitude……….but he would still insist 'I am in control'.
Sharing Pak Lah's prize for hypocrisy was Dr M who complained that he had been denied the right to freedom of expression, peaceful assembly and association, and that he was a victim of a police state - a legacy which he had so proudly left behind.
He even very humbly claimed that he never had anyone arrested under the ISA for political reasons and blamed the mass arrests of Operation Lalang in 1988 on the police. A highly-incensed Lim Kit Siang reminded Dr M, who was also the then Home Minister and Justice Minister, that he was the 'mastermind' of the 1987 dragnet.
He complained that the mainstream press had spurned him and spiked his statements. He even alleged the existence of spin doctors. Dr M was given a taste of his own medicine. He must have found the fact that he was no longer the darling of the mainstream press, difficult to swallow.
The seasoned politician was pepper-sprayed when he arrived for one of his wayang kulit road shows in Kelantan. However, proving he was worth his salt, he bounced back peppering the government with his snide remarks and sarcastic swipes.
It was also a year when the chickens came home to roost. Ani Arope, ex-chief of Tenaga, enlightened us on the role Dr M played in the higher electricity rates we are paying for. Anwar highlighted Dr M's contribution to Bolehland RM30 billion loss as a result of forex speculations.
One-time corporate high-flyer Tajuddin Ramli disclosed details in a court document regarding his 'national service' duty to Dr M. Former High Court judge Syed Ahmad and former Lord President Salleh Abbas provided more disturbing information on the 1988 judicial crisis and other scandals in the judiciary which still stink to high heaven.
The Pricewaterhouse Cooper Report on the Mismanagement of Proton Holdings (1996 - 2005), which The Edge had called "Proton's Can of Worms", provided a revealing glimpse into the worsening saga faced by the auto industry in Bolehland and exposed how the citizens had been taken for a ride.
High and Mighty:
2006 also saw the high-performance in Bolehland of half-witted leaders and politicians. Leading the pack were some of Umno's high-profile 'heroes', often engrossed in putting up a desperate act of either denial, diversion, damage control or demonizing another race, party or person to demonstrate their superiority.
For a start, the ever-cautious and calculating Deputy PM Najib made it clear that the NEP would be a Never Ending Policy. He declared during the Umno GA to a thunderous applause: "In this struggle for the Malays, it must be firmly said that there is no time limit within which we must achieve our targets."
He preached that 'the Malay mind must be sharpened' yet in the ASLI controversy, he chose to shy away without ascertaining the truth with the help of experts with regards to the methodology in calculating wealth held by different ethnic groups. The people should no longer question the government's findings, was his methodology of a sharp mind.
At one moment he would challenge the Malay with an agenda for reform and at another he would be obsessed with the Malay Agenda which would result in the Malay clutching on to their crutches, clawing at their privileges and clamouring for more handouts.
He struggled to rebut the contention of Penang Education and Economic Planning Committee chairman Dr Toh Kin Woon that the NEP was "only for the elite, especially those who are close to the leaders", by generating generalities like: "Many non-Malays have received the spillover and contracts from the government and also certain approvals."
Najib obviously ran out of fuel in trying to justify the government's decision to increase the price of petrol when he meekly said: "Malaysians should change their lifestyle and adapt to the inevitable fuel price increase." The indignant citizens pointed out to Najib the shameless high lifestyle of the cabinet ministers and the political elite.
Najib chastised Deputy Higher Education Minister, Ong Tee Kiat, for alleging that there might have been corruption in the Ministry of Education in the utilisation of a special fund for upgrading vernacular schools. Ong Tee Kiat was proven right. But Najib did not want to "discuss the facts of the issue". He insisted that the case be closed. Notice his 'methodology' again.
Umno Youth chief, Hishamuddin, (who is also the Education Minister) proved yet again that his intellectual prowess lay very much in his keris-kiss-brandishing stunts at Umno Youth GAs. Ever wondered why gangsterism is rife in our schools and universities?
The keris may indeed be a 'pivotal part of Malay culture'. But when an Umno delegate at the GA asked "when is he (Hishamuddin) going to use it" - it became evident that Hishamuddin's act had nothing to do with Malay culture but came across as part of the bullying and bankrupt culture of Umno.
Then there was Khairy, the PM's millionaire son-in-law, and a supposedly brilliant Oxbridge graduate who showed that he was willing to be ox-brained and to play the racial card, in order to promote himself as the PM-in-waiting.
He said: "Chinese were taking advantage of the infighting in Umno to ask for more rights" - without mentioning that he was the major cause of the infighting. 'Malays in Penang are being marginalised' - yet "Khairy has done nothing concrete to alleviate the problems faced by the Malays in Penang", as Dr M had correctly pointed out.
Khairy called Anwar a traitor for saying that the New Economic Policy (NEP) was no longer needed. He forgot that his father-in-law had said almost the same thing at the Umno GA a year earlier: "The government cannot play the role of Santa Claus, perpetually handing out gifts".
De facto Law Minister Nazri Aziz helped enrich the script of the PM's anti-corruption charade by declaring that the ACA "has no powers to initiative investigations on reports and charges of money politics and bribery within Umno……….because these offences are confined to political parties and not public transgressions".
A lawyer well-versed with the Anti-Corruption Act 1997 showed how nascent Nazri was with the law: "……….to say that money politics 'does not affect the public in the sense that it does not involve public projects and public funds' is spinning the spin. More so, when the minister was a former advocate and solicitor."
These and many others who worked with Pak Lah, were called 'apple-polishers' by Dr M - though the latter's humility did not allow him to acknowledge the fact that he had a lot to do with their highly 'polished' character. As it turned out in 2006, an 'apple' a day tried to keep the Dr away.
High Hopes:
Parliament was not spared the charade of change. The august house was served with shocking half-baked replies by parliamentary secretaries and ministers of the half-past-six government. Some BN MPs showed very remarkably how virile they were in verbal brawls, vulgar jokes and vituperative debates and venturing into the cafeteria.
2006 was a year when higher education sank so low that a renowned academician called the once-world-class University Malaya a 'high school'. The country had 80000 unemployed graduates - more than 90% of whom were from public universities. A report showed that the standard of primary education in Bolehland was way below that of not only developing nations, but even that of some African countries.
It was also a year which saw the brazen high-handedness of the police in breaking up a peaceful demonstration in front of KLCC against price hikes in fuel and electricity. The PM had in January 2006 given his blessings to the setting up of the Independent Police Complaints and Misconduct Commission (IPCMC). Till today it is still kept under wraps in 'elegant silence'.
High crime dominated the past year. According to official statistics, there were an average of one snatch theft every hour, three murders every two days, six rapes every day, and the total number of violent crimes committed rose from 21604 cases in 2000 to 22133 cases in 2005. As the citizens suffered in high anxiety, Pak Lah felt very safe with his brand new RM20 million security system.
The rate of drug addiction reached a new high. 1% of our population are drug addicts. A drug addict is created every 29 minutes. The authorities detain about 20000 new addicts every year, nearly two-thirds of whom are teenagers or in their 20s. 6120 new HIV cases were reported in 2005. There are an average of 19 new cases daily.
It was also a year when the whole world saw how Bolehland which is often touted as a melting pot of all races and religions had become a boiling pot. For a country that has Vision 2020 as its declared aim, the increasing racial eyesores that developed throughout 2006, with the government often turning a blind eye, was highly disconcerting.
The religious scenario was no different and it had very much to do with certain people of a particular persuasion who believe they are representatives from on high and it is their duty to dominate, dictate and decide on (and even disrupt) what others can and cannot discuss, dialogue, debate and do.
Pak Lah, who once declared that he was the Prime Minister of all citizens of every faith in this country, unfortunately allowed them to impose their views, to intimidate with a mob and to insult the intelligence of the people. Alas, as is always the case, the greatest casualty in religion is God himself - as he watches from above puny minds trying to play God.
Alas, 2006 was a year when Pak Lah and his half-past-six government functioned at half throttle, displaying half-measures against corruption and half-hearted efforts in the public service delivery system, and often indifferent to how the other half lives.
It was also a year when we had to endure sky-high prices (resulting in high cost of living), high and scandalous wastage of government funds, high destruction to the environment (which resulted in a big flood in Shah Alam in early 2006 and another at the end of the year in Johor), high death tolls of 6000 a year on our roads, etc.
The citizens of Bolehland were paying the high price of believing in the tell-me-the-truth government led by Pak Lah. There is, however, a high probability that they will still vote in the BN government in the next general elections in spite of all the 'high points' of 2006, being as absent-minded as they usually are!
its always a pleasure to read your posts...
anyways, i've heard that you've travelled to phuket.
am planning for a trip to phuket. any recommendations on the places to go and accomodation?
thanks
Dont worry Otto, it will be fine. It just takes time to adjust. The gras always seems greener on the other side, just try to appreciate the stuff around you.
I already dailed 0900-spampolice for Mr malaysia by the way.... they should be here soon.
And @ Anon: If you are male try laying down naked on the street some girl will probably come pick you up.... problem solved. In case you are female... I wouldnt know. The same tactic will probably work for females as well. (I mean I think it works everywhere in the world for females so why not in phuket). However, i imagine it is therefore not very challaging for a woman to try it.
P.s. Otto will prob have better suggestions but if you go for mine though please post the results somewhere and let me know. :P