About Nude Not Naked

The Bachelor was early. He arrived at half past 7 on Friday evening to push the Tesco trolley with me. It was the day before my 31st birthday and I was receiving far too many “Happy THIRTY FIRST birthday, Otto!” to be able to drive safely to Tesco or possess the concentration necessary to push a trolley full of grocery on my own.

I was late. He had to sit and wait for half hour while I washed my hair and god, I really needed a hair wash on Friday. 9th February turned out to be the day from hell. Frantic phone calls since 8 a.m. with complaints after complaints from grumpy customers. One in particular phoned me four hours later, apologizing profusely for her temper in the morning.

“Oh, all of us have our PMS days” I replied. I am quite amazed at how diplomatic I can be sometimes.

With the 30 minutes “ME” time complete, I raced through the rest of the beauty regime. Got myself ready by 8:30 p.m. and we were zooming to my local Tesco in The Bachelor’s piece of shit. That is what he calls his Cherokee Jeep that he bought when he arrived on Malaysian shores more than a year ago.

The picnic bill turned out to be a whooping RM170. You must be wondering what we had in the shopping trolley to swipe RM170 for a picnic. We walked through the aisles, negotiating the finest yummies for the picnic. When we concluded that we should stick to the traditional picnic foodstuff, we piled salad, tuna, a whole roast chicken, mayonnaise, the finest French vinaigrette money could buy, bottles of olives and gerkins, two big packets of Lay’s Salt and Vinegar, bread, tortilla wraps, spicy salsa sauce and picnicware.

And oh, plastic bags to throw all the rubbish at the end of the picnic. We might be drunks from the night before we most certainly were civic conscious drunks.

Got up at 7:30 a.m. on birthday to Nikki’s rendition of “Happy THIRTY FIRST birthday”. A little too many words in my opinion but that did not stop her from singing it four more times through the day. And because it was my birthday, I stood around the kitchen while The Bachelor shuffled back and forth between the refrigerator and the pantry, fixing the tuna and chicken roast as fillings. Nikki and BestGuyFriend rolled by at 10 a.m. and handed me my birthday gift - a pink vibrator. If it was not for the fact that I bought them sex toys as birthday gifts last year, I would have sworn they were sending me subtle hints of my non-existent sex life at the moment.

Arrived by the seaside at noon, when Nikki and I were left in charge of finding the desired spot. Decided on a spot about 200metres away from the car park, away from prying eyes. There was only one young Malay couple groping each other ten metres away. Out came the shocking pink duvet cover and all the little neat yummies from the cooler box. Beers all around and Finlandia vodka for me and we were on our way.

The more the sun shone, the less clothes we had on. By 2 p.m. the boys were in their trunks and us girls were walking around with nothing more than barely there skirts. The Malay couple decided to walk away, I am not sure out of disgust or intrique, but the girl was giving Nikki and I the look. Maybe she was jealous that she could not get herself into a bikini in the open.

I had to ice myself because it was freaking hot. Ants and BestGuyFriend were forming a marching line towards the French dressing. It was the healthiest meal we had in a long time. We had lots of salad because of the delicious dressing. “Oh god, this is good. Baby, have some.” BestGuyFriend said between stuffing more salad into his mouth and Nikki’s.

We only left at 4 p.m. and I was quite relieved. My face was all red and my eyes were bloodshot, so Nikki laughed at me, not with me. My white flag was up by the time we got to the apartment, where I slept while the three of them continued to make Carlsberg into a greater profiting company. I slept until 8 p.m. to a nice surprise. The Bachelor, following the advice for finding the perfect gift for a woman, bought me a huge bouquet of roses in the most beautiful shade of red I have seen.

“Happy THIRTY FIRST birthday, Otto,” he said. The roses appeared like magic. Then a box rolled out of his sleeves. He had bought me a beautiful piece of jewellery, after overhearing a conversation I had with PY earlier in the week. Very thoughtful, I thought to myself. He most certainly lives up to his Most Eligible Bachelor title.

Fine dinner and Rock & Roll music at 9 p.m. with the gang. Then off to the pub, where a cake waited patiently. The band sang and the greetings came. Cut the cake and everyone in the pub had a slice. It was so nice having strangers come up to wish me a good year ahead. Got some free booze too. Nikki kept my glasses filled to the brim. Had half a bottle of red wine during dinner and then some Strawberry Margaritas at the pub. My heart was beating wild when I decided to cut the night short. I snuck away quietly...

"Oh no, you don't, Miss 31 Years Old," Nikki said, blocking my escape path. "Your birthday isn't fun until you puke tonight and wake up with a hangover tomorrow!" It was the perilous hour, with no car to boot. I had to make a dash for it. Jumped into a friend's car when I realised he was on his way home. Fell asleep in the car on the way home. It was bliss, by any account.

And that was how I spent my birthday, folks. My birthday was so fun that it is going to be hard to top that in the coming week, when The Bachelor turns birthday boy. Ok. So I will have my revenge and I get to sing “Happy THIRTY NINETH birthday!”

Three days after my birthday and I am still skipping like a bunny because I am happy, happy, HAPPY! The euphoria is still ringing in my ears.


The Bachelor and The Nude.


The two lazy boys who drank a couple of beers
before bringing the cooler box to us.


The married couple.


Look! I bought cheap rubber sandals just for the picnic!


Birthday girl's legs in shocking pink dress.


That's The Bachelor. Email me if you are interested.
I am pimping him out for nice Aldo shoes.


That's BestGuyFriend. I'd pimp him out too
but I don't think Nikki would allow me.


I think it is rude to post a photo of my pink vibrator
so here is one of the 31 roses.



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Related Links

• Fancy reading about Nikki and BGF's love story?


• You girls out there! Here are the ways to tame a man.


• A man's guide to purchasing the perfect gift for a woman.