About Nude Not Naked

I snapped on Day Five like a dried up twig in an Amazonian jungle. I was deprived of private conversations with close friends (live ones like Kat and virtual ones like some of you readers). I was suffering from internet deprivation and I was beginning to worry about what I imagined as piles of work sitting three feet high on my desk at home. I missed my bed and my six pillows. Obviously I had a great time with Alex and his family. Who wouldn’t have fun with them when they are such good people?

But everyone needs a little private space. Everyone needs their own friends, their confidantes. Some needs less while others like myself, being the independent soul that I am, need a good measure of space. I spend my days observing people and reflecting on friendships and relationships. I sit in coffee houses and cafes more than I sit at home. But there I was, wearing flat sandals and grubby clothes. I had so much earth stuck underneath my already trimmed nails. My face was brown not because of sun tanning but dirt wiped from brow. I do not even want to talk about my hair.

Let’s agree that it was not the most glamorous side of me.

Everyday thousands walk through the Western and Eastern gates, to enjoy a fun filled day out in the sun. There are main 2 floral marquee where visitors can view examples of ideal gardens. These were created by the nursery folks and are judged. Our display won a Gold (the best award) and I had a hand in creating the display. I spent my two days of set up, crawling around the flower pots, stuffing empty spaces with upside down pots and newspapers, then filling the whole surface with bark, to create an illusion of soil found in every English garden.

There were two tents selling luxury items from limited edition artwork and specially designed fabrics with garden themes to jewellery and leather goods. There was a bandstand where musicians played the different types of music to liven up the atmosphere, giving the whole flower show a party vibe. Visitors sat on grass around the bandstand, appreciating the music as they had their little picnics.

“I nominate you to be my friend today,” I said with a smile. “I would like to have an ice lolly by the bandstand. Would you?”

I do not know what made me be that bold, to say what I did. Maybe it was the stress of not wearing my three-inch high heels. Maybe it was just me rebelling against everything that was happening around me. Maybe I was trying to get out of the flower show routine – cut dead flowers, look dishevelled, carry pots from stock area to table, talk to customers and of course, pretend to have some knowledge of flowers when the only think I know about flowers is that they are pretty. Maybe I just wanted to talk to someone who was not a part of my family.

Perhaps I wanted someone to hear my stories, to re-establish myself and to breathe life into my own body again.

It was eight days since I started working on the show ground and I was yet to hear the band play. And so on Day Five, I found myself sitting on the grass with a beautiful stranger. We had an ice cream each and we just started to talk. Well, I talked a lot. It was my therapy session, you see. So I talked.

“You have a beautiful face,” he said.

“Thank you. Now if you repeat that to me a few more times, I will think that you are trying to pick me up,” I said.

“Is it that obvious?” he said with a smile.

I smiled. I suddenly realised that words were beginning to flow once again, after being locked away for the pass 10 days. I felt expressive again, with words pouring out like a hurricane. Words have the ability to make you think and rationalize many inner thoughts. Writers will tell you that they write constantly, to allow words to flow. It did not matter if the words would turn into a Pulitzer success, just as long as the words flowed. To open up the dam trapping words was difficult but once words flowed, they flowed easily like a river in spring.

His name is Paul and on that afternoon, Paul listened patiently to everything I said. I told him what I did. I told him why I was in the UK. I told him that I had a blog and that I wrote for practice. I told him that I wrote about men, sex and relationships. I told him about my work life and where I came from. I told him about my friends back in Malaysia. I told Paul about AB. I told him about Alex. I told him about all my lovers and the game called Kings.

“Are you observing me?” he asked.

“Yes,” I said, punctuated with a smile. I looked deep into his eyes. The windows to one soul; that is what eyes are. You stare into a pair and you will see almost everything. He had such beautiful eyes with the thickest eye lashes. Why don’t I have eye lashes like that, I thought to myself.

“You have very beautiful eyes,” I said. I blinked my eyes and looked away.

“Cheers. You have very beautiful eyes too,” he said. I gazed into his eyes again and remembered each line and curve he had on his face.

We spoke very candidly about things - about friendships, relationships and sex. I told him about taming men and he was shocked to hear that I could tame men. I can and one day, I will tell you, my dear readers, how to tame a man. It isn’t about controlling a man. It is about creating a bond, a friendship, with a man that surpasses lust. But that is another story altogether and we will reserve that for another day.

I asked him if all friendships are birthed from attraction towards each other. Like how we sat at the bandstand, listening to each other’s stories. He said that there were many reasons to form a friendship and it is not necessary always about physical attraction. Ah the beauty of being polite when you are strangers.

Let me be the first to admit that Alex would not have wanted to talk to me the first time we met in Perhentian, if he was not attracted to the fact that I was stick thin. E is thinner now and I often wonder if he would have chosen E instead, if she was slimmer in 2002. Would I have been attracted to Alex if he was not that tall, slim and tanned Greek god walking on the beach?

My Swedish Love would not have sat in Coffee Bean for more than 5 hours staring at me, if he hadn’t thought that there was something worth looking at. We would not have gone out for a date with PY as chaperon if I had not found him the least attractive.

And that is just my list of lovers and I have not begun on my list of guy friends.

Fact is, I am beginning to realise much to my dismay, that most boy-girl friendships (and relationships) begin with an instant attraction to the smile, the look, the eyes, the hair, the lips, the tits, the ass, the laughter, the humor etc.

I am yet to hear a guy say, “Yo dude, check out her honesty!” or “Wow, I dig that integrity!”. What convinces you the first ten seconds whether you want to form a friendship with another fellow sapien is a physical attraction. Full stop.

What I learnt that afternoon was that there are lines to draw. And sometimes the lines between fantasy and reality is blurred so terribly that you need a pair of granny glasses to make sure you know your way.

I might have been lost in the wilderness but I am sure that I have found my way home. I know where I belong and what I should do. I also knew what I should not do. Alex has given me the security that I lacked and I pledged my loyalty to him. Rules exist because it governs your life and makes certain decisions easier to make. Being with Alex made me more reserve as a person and not as cheeky as I would normally be. Meekness is a good quality to possess if you want a calmer lifestyle and that was what I sought.

A pair of feet pottered in front of me sometime later. I recognized that pair of leather shoes.

“My mother is searching for you,” Alex said. I got up and waved at Paul. I said goodbye and walked away with Alex.

“This is a break-up,” Alex said. “Go back and work. We will break up when we get back to London.”

It was Day Five and we were twenty steps from Paul when Alex said something that broke my heart.








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Related Posts

• Day Three - I Fell In Love With A Beautiful Stranger


• Day Four


• Day Five


• The Love Roulette


• Fear And Forgiveness


• Day Twelve