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Friday, July 28, 2006
The Love Roulette

When you put your heart on the table, placing a bet on this chance game of life, you risk winning big or losing all. And like in all investments, the higher the risk, the greater your reward. Or lost. That is how life works.

Some lucky ones placing a bet on one and gained a fortune while others invested all our feelings, only to survive life with a broken soul. If you feel that life has nothing to offer you, then I guess you, like me, had been taught by life. The one thing that life offered you was experience and the experiences thus far were bitter. Bitterness in return serves as a great life coach, often teaching us that life is not all rosy. Bitterness gives us a good wallop in the department of reality, teaching us to be careful and to be wary of this thing we all call “relationship”.

Some of us walk this Earth feeling safe and indeed these people live a safe predictable life. They grow up, study, go to work, find someone they love, settle down, get married, have kids and grow old. In between, they travel and perhaps buy some things that will enslave them to the job market until the day they die. And in the female instant, these curvy mortals nag their partners into submission.

The rest of us prefer walking on the edge, experiencing life to its fullest. We do not walk the safe route. We, the anarchists of love, embrace the love sphere with total abandonment. We give more and in return, we expect more. And if we have invested our emotions correctly, then we will reap greater reward when it comes to love.

That sounds like a good investment, better than what our banks are offering for a fix deposit at the moment, and often relationships are good investments. When it comes to Alex, I have invested a lot of everything. I have given 4 years of my young life to this person and I loved every second of it. The more I know him, the more I realised that this is the right investment for me. While I threaded with caution in all previous relationships, life with Alex has proven itself beneficial to my being. And of course, like all investors who invest more when the rewards are dripping in, I invested more in Alex as he proved himself worthy of my time, energy, love and loyalty.

When I was a child, I spoke like a child and thought as a child
and now that I am grown, I have put away childish things.
~ a short passage from the Bible, reference unknown.

That is a passage from the Bible. I don’t remember the verse or chapter but I remember its words. I think this passage is so apt and it highlights the difference of being a child and the process of growing up.

I have been a child for many years and even when I am grown, those around me make concessions for my childlike behaviour. “I can’t believe that you are 30,” BestGuyFriend once famously remarked. That remark was made when I raised my hands up, giving them a good shake and saying, “Yay!” and it was all for a bowl of fishball noodles. My brothers (who are 4 and 7 years younger) are in many ways, “older” than I. They are more responsible, often giving in to my childlike-self and most friends often mistake our positions in the family.

It is time for me to grow up. I would love to remain as a child forever but it is time for me to grow up and move on with my life. I have been a bubbling teenager for 30 years now. How long am I going to live my life without a care in the world like Tinkerbell? As I have mentioned to R earlier this year, even Peter Pan has to grow up one day. And it is time I do.

And who better to grow up with than Alex?

This relationship I share with Alex is special. Compared to all previous relationships, I am willing to invest my heart in it. I find myself willing to do many things. I will go out of my way just to be with this person and I am contemplating the most difficult decision in my life – am I willing to give up my life and love for my business in Malaysia in exchange for this person whom I love? Alex is worth more than all the effort I put in and perhaps even more.

Some of you might ask what is so different between Alex and everyone else. I guess it is a combination of various elements. I am not one that is naive enough to invest in a relationship without calculating its cost. Alex compliments me in many aspects. I am not one who will cow to anyone else and when it comes to men, I need one who has HUGE BALLS. So huge it might even put Kenny’s two famous coconuts to shame. Alex is quick witted and smart, often with smart remarks that leaves me totally speechless. And I love that in a man.

He leaves me hyperventilating when he talks about scientific things such as metal. Yes, a man who sweet-talks me about the use of Zinc, Aluminum and Copper Sulfate turns me on. Alex has really flexible hands and is able to put things together with his brain and brawn. He carries me like a hairy Neantherdal into his secret cave. With one swift scoop, he has me on his shoulders.

We walked in Phuket, in search for a room to stay. We did not realize that there was a festival going on that day and room was scarce. I was tired and was complaining as we took each step towards another hotel. I watched Alex walking ahead of me and suddenly I thought to myself, “Oh wow, that is a strong man and I love him,” when I realized he did not complain at all carrying his backpack and mine when one of his foot had a bad cut. Alex is a man. No, he is a man’s man. And I love that.

There are many other reasons why I think that Alex compliments my personality well but I shall spare you of all the mushy details.

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