About Nude Not Naked

My four articles for the car magazine are finally published. I did my homework and discovered, much to my delight, that the magazine is read by more than 53, 000 car enthusiasts in Malaysia. A very good reason for me to celebrate!

My best article was of a concept car unveiled at the Japanese Motorshow and it was, according to Good Editor, the best page in terms of content and layout. It was just my luck, I guess, as the car was a marriage between car ingenuity and fashion design with me being good with fashion (and car, by means of research).

I should scan the articles as soon as the magazine arrives through my letterbox. I am collecting references and samples of writing, after all. I will be more than happy to forward these articles to any editors who might be kind enough to offer me an opportunity to write freelance.

Good Editor has, in the pass few days, asked me to return to Malaysia to set up a company with him. He has secured some new writing contracts and he had wanted to collaborate with me. Basically he wants to include me into the equation and make me his partner. I do not see how I am going home any sooner than September 26th, unless I have confirmed work here in the UK this autumn. But I am very excited about how things are moving along for the magazine and between the Good Editor and I.

I cannot say the same for the blog though. If I wrote more than I did last week, I would have written articles entitled, “Here’s One More Reason Why I Hate Him” or “Top Five Reasons Why My Blog Is Not Acing It”. Somehow when it comes to this blog, I feel it is not good enough. It is just not. The more I read my statscounter, the more depress I feel.

So as you see, the last few weeks have been spent reflecting on my life. I honestly think that I am going through mid life crisis again. Yes, you read it right. I am having a mid life crisis and this is my third. Mid life crisis #1 happened about 4 years after I working and I medicated that by pursuing a Master degree from Deakin University and sitting in the bathtub with HighSchoolSweetheart.

Years later, it happened again. Men are known to buy shiny sporty cars when they experience mid life crisis. I did no such thing! Retail therapy does miracles when you are sad but it was utterly absurd to think a little red car or a shiny new toupee will solve a mid life crisis.

Mid Life Crisis #2 meant breaking up with Alan, moving in with Swedish Love and travelling. A LOT. I started another business and then it morphed into something else. And then there was the dark ages, when I was just drowning in vodka, dancing and dreaming of AB. Since then, I have sold the business and closed another last year. Friends who were anything but true have disappointed me and I learnt to be apprehensive of smiles and wary of people who were exceptionately kind. I still feel the same.

Now is the official Mid Life Crisis #3. As you know, I have uprooted myself from Malaysia, on my annual migration to London for summer. However unlike all previous years, this year I came here with a work visa. Obviously I want to work but I catch myself questioning my inner self, “What am I going to do?”

My professional life has been spent working in my own business. During my mid life crisises, I dabbled with one beauty contest (because my mother said I would not survive it) and opened a furniture boutique specialising in Burmese antique and furniture. One of the reasons why I started writing was to discover if I could do anything other than what I am currently doing. That and my vanity for stamping my name in this world.

And the more I try to run away from my professional career, the more I realise that it is set into my life like bones. I excel in what I do. I know I do. It has moulded me to be the person that I am today and it sets me apart from everyone else. It has left its mark on me and I am beginning to realise that this is such a huge part of my life, so much so that I am afraid of losing it.

Unlike most people, I own my business. Many people hold the opinion that owning your business is good. Some of these people are the down beaten employees, who are fed up with their 9 to 5 job. Or like Boss Stewie, some are ambitious souls. I fall under this second category. However what many do not realise is that a business owner cannot quit her job on a whim. So I am torn. I want a change in my professional scenery and yet, I realised that my business made me who I am today.

Personally I do not wish to join the mad rush into London every morning, even though I am living in one of the closer commuter towns and cities. I would much prefer if I could work somewhere that requires no more than 45 minutes of driving. And guess what? There are two vacancies in two companies less than 20 minutes drive away. There is also a business for sale, which I could acquire and just work in my own business again. All are less than 45 minutes drive away.

I stare at myself on most days. I do not dare to reflect and dream. I do not want to think about the “what if-s” and the “what not-s”. I do not know what I should do and I do not know how I am going. All I know is that I have to go and hopefully it takes me to somewhere more beautiful, both emotionally and physically.




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Small Talk
With a readership of more than 53, 000 in Malaysia alone, I am sure that soon my identity will be known. I would appreciate if you would not mention my name or business here, if you already know who I am. Thank you.
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