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Saturday, July 29, 2006
Fear And Forgiveness
"And forgive us our trespasses
as we forgive those who trespass against us”
~ The Lord’s Prayer

One of the earlier reasons why I chose Alex was because I realised that unlike me, Alex is not broken. All of us seem to walk around with a emotional scar but Alex does not possess many, if there was any. He comes from a small family and his parents loved him dearly. There is only one crazy person in each relationship and in mine, it is good to know that there is someone there to ground me and to guide me on my way.

He is very sensitive to my needs. Alex recognizes whatever I say and he puts an effort to change whenever I complain. I appreciate this quality greatly because I do not want to be in a relationship where I have to nag a lot. He wants the best for me and he tries his best to give me the best. In return, I learn to give more and to love him more because he has shown me the meaning of love and devotion.

We can try our best and be our best but sometimes life just proves itself difficult. We prepare to the best of our ability but there is the variable called luck and timing. Thus far, Alex and I have never really argued. We might bicker over some issues but so far, we have given in to each other and compromised.

The previous week posed a huge task to the two of us. We discovered that perhaps it is not so romantic to work together. We both possess very strong characters. I play hard and I work hard. I do not admit to losing easily.

“You can’t be disappointed if you do not place any hope,” Alex’s father said when I brought this up to him.

“But I do not want to live my life without hope,” I replied with a smile.

When it comes to life, I choose to be optimistic while Alex can be the most melancholic being. I rather think of nice things that can potentially happen than to envision what is terrible. Our personalities clash each time we encounter tasks and we get irritated with each other’s opposing way of handling stress and life.

With the stakes getting higher each day and both of us realising that we want to spend our lives together, it is easy to lose sight of what is in front of us. Although it is not said, I know that Alex has the best in mind. I know the only reason why he is insistent that I find work soon is because he wants us to be financially sound. He wants us to maximize what we can both earn so that I will not need to work when we start a family. I am not getting any younger as each sunset comes rolling by.

The next 5 years is very important to our future, should we share one together and it is this realization that is driving a wedge between us. Alex is willing to sacrifice blood and tears for a house here in Kent. I on the other hand, want a house but it should not affect my pampering allowance - hair and body care, clothes and accessories. I also love eating out and hanging out in cafes, bars and restaurants, so I am pressured to churn out money like a photocopy machine.

When the investment goes wrong…
“Give me two weeks to find my own place to stay.
A month will be the maximum.
I will find a job and a place to stay. I will find my way.”
~ Otto The Nude

Fear is the most primal feeling each of us experience. Fear is a very strong emotion. Fear causes your eyes will dilate. Blood will rush through your body at a faster pace, giving you a higher blood pressure level. Feel good endorphin will release itself into your veins in anticipation of pain, real or imagined.

Fear is also life’s number one method of self-preservation. When we cannot control the situation because we feel powerless in this game of love, we take control by choosing an action that causes us less pain. Rejecting someone is less painful that being rejected. If our hearts know that we are going to be rejected, it is best to reject the other person first. At least the action gives us a measure of power and dignity. It sounds crazy but love often drives us to do crazy things.

Fear (and disappointment) taught women like I to be independent and to have our own personal space and life. Alex is the first man I felt that I could throw caution to the wind but apparently there is no such luxury in life.

When you reach this point in the game, what are your options? Come on. Come on. What are your freaking options? You can either pull out of the game or you invest more. Right? So the pessimistic will drop out of the game and the optimistic will invest more. More love, more attention, more understanding, more and more and more.

And I am an optimist.

"Quarrel at the bed head
And peace at the bed foot."
~ A Chinese proverb regarding love in a relationship

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You'll be fine.

Like renowned cinematographer Christopher Doyle had said, "my best film is always the next one, otherwise there's no reason for my to continue."

Despite the pain, I guess the only excitement is looking forward to the unexpected possibilities of the future.

"Rejecting someone is less painful that being rejected. If our hearts know that we are going to be rejected, it is best to reject the other person first."

Kinda like a Wong Kar Wai film.

Some people at least have the opportunity to reject someone. Eccentric artists like me? Damned to walk a path of solitude.

11:16 am  

I vacillate between being an optimist and a pessimist. But thank goodness that I am a natural optimist. What an optimist does is hope for the best but expect the worst.


4:40 pm  

I like your quote. It suits me very well with my mind bubbling into the next project before the one at hand is completed =) very optimistic.

Me beg to differ when it comes to the artistic. They are damned to share the path with a few companions. Just check Ray Charles out.

Anon 4:40 p.m. aka iblogme
It simply means you are a grounded person =)

8:11 pm  

Which means the gimmick I have will be blindness.

5:10 pm  

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