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Monday, March 12, 2007
How I Wished

How I wished I could show you what I see from where I am. The view never fails to amaze me. How tiny everything seems from where I stand. I can see families in big cars and tiny motorcycles. I can see people walking and snaking through the busy road. Occasionally there is a splash of colour as a woman walks pass with a floral blouse. But mainly it is a monotonous black and white, trousers, slacks, skirts, blouses and dresses. People are always walking in a hurry. Everything feels blurry.

I wished I could tell you what I really think. Or what I really feel over the last month or so – how busy and tired I feel as I lay in bed every night. How happy I feel whenever I wake up and see the sun shining through the curtains. How breakfasts are especially wonderful with sweet smelling coffee, great friends and fantastic sandwiches. If I have to have sandwiches, it has to be the best bread stuffed with the most delicious ingredients.

PY got into my car this morning. I decided to pick her up from her office when we were out for breakfast. I usually call her at 8 a.m. and today was no different. She sat in the car and looked at my hair. I cut and curled it over the weekend and she had not a good look until 9 a.m. this morning. We mumbled through what we did over the weekend, starting with PY and then I went through my list.

‘You are having a rather fancy time since you found new friends,’ PY remarked.

I ignored what she said. Ignoring is in fact one of the best social tactics I have learnt in recent years. If you do not want to answer a question, you ignore. If you want to avoid the topic, just ignore. Change topic. Switch subject. Talk about the sun, the moon or the stars. Talk about anything but the thing you are trying to avoid talking.

And so it was this morning as we walked towards our breakfast place, that I kept silent and ignored what PY said earlier. On Friday I had nine different Japanese dishes with sake. My favourite was salmon sashimi. You can never beat the Japanese when it comes to fresh raw fish. Saturday night featured a huge portion of grilled lamb over a bed of salad, a bottle of red wine, servings of coffee alternated with brandy, Mai Tai, Long Island Tea and Irish Coffee. For Sunday, I had two MNG blouses and for desert, some delicious casserole and ice cream.

But you know what? I think I enjoyed my company of friends the most. AD’s wife arrived from Romania three weeks ago and it was only last Saturday that we finally met up. Anki was a petite lady, almost fragile with her porcelain complexion set against dark hair. We had fun that night, talking and being just girls.

It was fabulous to have her for the night, to be able to talk and learn more about her. She was fun and happy, very intelligent and quick wit. I guess all writers are. We only parted at 4 a.m. as the taxi took her and AD home. All I longed for is the plainest of things. I want sincerity and companionship.

How I wished that I had more girlfriends on weekends. A group of girls can have the most fun on weekends without any boys stringing along. We slowly lose touch of our girlfriends as we grow up and grow older. We begin to form lifetime relationships with a life partner, start building a home and a family and along the way, we sacrificed the friendships and companionships we shared as young women.

How I wished that I do not feel the way I do at the moment. I feel lost and confused. I do not have any inspiration to write anything despite feeling a lot of mixed emotions at the moment. You would think that this is the prime time to churn out books after books about life and love! But oh no, I am word constipated. Or perhaps whatever I am feeling at the moment is very private and I do not wish to share with anyone. Not even with myself.

I am flying to Phuket on the very last minute. I bought myself a ticket to get the hell out of this place because I feel myself dying here. I hope that the 5 days away from familiarity will help me see things in a new light. I am going to laze around in my bikinis, read Haruki Murukami novels and if I am lucky, I might just find a new friend in a stranger.

Friends are hard to come by these days. Sometimes you cannot even fully trust your closest friends. Does it not sound absolutely sad? I know it is sad.

‘Yeah, you don’t want to go out with me anymore now that you have new friends.’

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A close friend to you, I am.

1:22 am  

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