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Malaysian Alien


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Wednesday, November 01, 2006

"I am very possessive," he said.
"And I can never be possessed," she said.

I was in a shopping mall today when suddenly I looked up for a sign that led me to the ladies. I ran as quickly as I could and leaning against the wall, I caught secret tears with my hands. Secret tears that slowly flowed, so secret that my heart did not know.

I promised myself that I would not cry over this. I cried the last round and this time I said that I would not do the same. I told myself that I will harden my heart and I will feel not an ounce of sadness when it is over. I managed to remain absolutely calm and composed for more than three hours while my mind concentrated on driving to the shopping mall and then busied itself purchasing some home things. Now that the tasks are over, my mind is playing mindfucking games on me.

I hate to think. He asked me not to think. D told me that I think too much. Alex said I think myself to the brink of insanity and unhappiness. Moon. Moon said she’ll slap me if I ever even dare think of running away to Goa with some dreadlock boy. Thinking about everything now, I still hate to think.

We went out for dinner last night. It was the first time that we walked out in the open and I saw the evening sun setting on the west. It felt strange, being let out of the confines of a room after spending the last three or fours years secretly meeting somewhere. The sunlight shone into my eyes and suddenly it felt as if I saw shadows that never existed in the bedroom. Perhaps how happy I felt within the room was in fact an illusion of embryonic happiness. Cast me out of that cocoon and I will begin to see cracks that I have never noticed before the moment we sat ourselves in a Japanese restaurant.

There was a feeling of fantasy, escapism and secrecy for all the years we have secretly looked at each other in a crowded place. How he brushed his hands gently along my bottom and instantly I would know he was near. Now both of us are older. I can see age in his eyes. I can see age in mine. How long can we play this hide and seek game?

We sat by the kaitan belt and in unison, we called for California Temakis. The first time we sat in the open and had a proper dinner together. There was just him with his dread locks and just me in my denim skirt and footless tights. The two tables in front of us were staring. They must have shared similar thoughts with the guys in Digi Center when we visited five minutes earlier - they thought we were different customers, when in actual fact I merely trailed after him like a lost fluffy bunny. We chatted merrily, bringing each other up to date with the who's who and what's what. I even caught myself laughing when I leaned backwards and saw the reflection of my lips pursed together in a childlike smile.

“Your hair damn cute wei,” he said, then patting my head.

Yes. My hair is now the plague of my existence for the past 36 days. My current chop is so crudely cut that standing next to Amy Search will immediately make him a dashing man.

“I think there are three hedgehogs, two porcupines and a rabbit living in my hair at the moment,” I said.

He laughed hearing me say that. He looked like a child when he laughed. There is something about those eyes - inquisitive, sensitive and pained.

“So you want to learn some origami, is it?”

I peered from the corner of the bed. This is what he uses his business cards for, I thought to myself. He tore a tiny corner off, rolled and licked it. I shook my head and pouted.

He was relaxed. He was leaned against the wall and smiling a dreamy smile after two joints. We left the room again and in the middle of the night, we found ourselves in a pub. This is the first time he was not the DJ and I was not a patron. For once, we were equals, both of us were visitors to the pub. Initially I felt a little tensed mainly because I did not know what to do or say. The two Mai Tais I had in the first hour helped smooth everything out.

He laughed, recounting how we met. “You know, I spoke to E so that I could talk to you eventually? You fucking don’t smile wei,” he said, then laughing and playing with my rabbit infested hair. His eyes widened when I suddenly burst into tiny peals of laughter. I recounted the time when E and I stopped in front of a house when we saw him. His girlfriend was standing behind him when E candidly asked him to hop into our car for a midnight joy ride. And there he stood, his eyes trying to tell us not to be cheeky because his girl was around.

“What happens if I don’t love her anymore?” he asked me in all seriousness. I shook my head. I never entertained that thought. Apparently he has been entertaining that thought, which does not surprise me. He was worried not so much for how she felt but how her parents would react. Her father played a major role in his life after his father passed away when he was 7 years old. Nothing can break bonds like that.

“What happens if I leave her and go out with another girl?” he asked. He was fishing for an answer. “I mean, it’s a bit fucked up. Break up with girlfriend and not end up with you.”

“Then I will be free.” I caught myself breathing again.

Traveling I only stop at exits
Wondering if I'll stay
Young and restless
Living this way I stress less
I want to pull away when the dream dies
The pain sets in and I don't cry
I only feel gravity and I wonder why

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end

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