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Thursday, October 26, 2006
The Two Types of People

There are only two types of people in the world and I am not talking about man and woman. I am talking about the bullies and the bullied. You see it in a relationship between a man and his wife. One is bound to be the dominant partner and will impose his/her opinions on the other. You see it frequently in friendships when one decides what to do and the other will merely follow. Or the relationship or friendship would not exist.

If you are not born heartless and if you are not the bully, you will be bullied. And that is a law of nature. You see it in documentaries when the dominant male lion would eat even its own male youngs, so he will not be challenged. And if ever a younger male is allowed to grow strong, he will kill the older lion and be the leader of the pack. That’s how life goes.

Like clockwork, my eyes sprang open at 8 a.m. this morning. Last evening was the first night in the last ten days when I slept before midnight. My throat is still sore from all the drinking and The Bang Bus talks at 5 a.m. No amount of water seems to help when I drowned myself in vodka at each nightfall. My usual concealer is no longer doing its magic tricks on my face and my pair of jeans no longer fits.

Like clockwork, I had PY on speed dial and her daughter picked up the call.

“Hello?” the small voice bleated.

“Who is this? Girl-girl, is it?” I went into an alternate universe where my friends were married people with kids and I was not the crazy chick with Lola for a second home. I spoke in all cheerfulness that I could muster. “This is Auntie Otto, please call your mummy for me.”

We were sat in an Indian shop having delicious unleavened bread for breakfast by 10 a.m. I even managed to squeeze in a slice of fried fish to help me start the day. What surprised me was a call from R this morning. He wanted to have breakfast and I wondered what was it about. Was it about Ain and her application for work in his company? Was it about Mary who has left for the UK? Was it about some business related matter that stood stagnant, waiting for its attention after Mary has gone away?

“You are not going to tell me anymore things ar?”

I was playing with my straw when he said that. In my usual “I’m happy” and “I’m busy” mode, I hardly spoke a thing. Unless I was spoken to, of course, then which I had to reply. Neither did I ask any questions. I was cautiously waiting for the motive of the meeting. I did not ask about Mary and I did not ask about Ain. I was waiting for it to come.

“I think I am hanging around too many losers and fuckers,” I said as steely as I could.

“You calling me a loser ar?”


I did not bat an eye when I said that. I was not even hesitant. The word flowed through my pink lips as easily as rainwater flowed down to a stream. In my old given self, I could never gather enough strength to tell someone off the way I did this morning. No matter how beaten I am, I could never find the heart to tell someone something so hurtful. But I am tired of making up excuses for everyone else. A circle is a circle and a square is just what it is, a square. I can no longer make excuses for everyone. It is time for me to stare at things happening around me and accept them as they were.

“But don’t you worry. You will not be lonely on that list. There are many others.” I laughed.

I usually looked at my friends as we part and they walk away from me. Today I turned around and never looked back. It was hard but I managed. I became this unresponsive and heartless person. I switched on my engine and drove away. He walked back to his office and I did not care. Or at least I pretend that I do not care.

When your love is abused so many times and you are bruised so badly, you gain back your control with hate. Your heart insulates itself against pain by marking it with hate. The new destructive mechanism stirred in your heart will be your safety net against all the tears you pour into your bed each night and soon you will be free from the threshold of emotional torment. No one can hurt you when you hate.

The person you worshipped is reduced to the status of a piece of stained cloth that you can dispose to the side of the road. When it is gone, no one would miss or want it. The only person who would cry for this piece of cockroach-infested cloth is the deranged beggar woman who lost her mind when she lost her love. Almost like a miracle, all your disappointment will vanish, replaced only by the darkening clouds of seeded anger.

I do not want to be this person but as each day passes, I see no other choice. How do I nurse my heart and heal it from its pain? How do I stop others from raping my soul each day and taking away everything I ever loved and believed in? How do I find my peace?

I am tired and beaten. I am booking a ticket back to London sometime after Nikki and BestGuyFriend's wedding on 16th December. I think this is the final goodbye.


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Otto, be what we are so that we don't have to be one of the two types. ha..ha..

3:43 am  

Otto, have you ever considered that perhaps although some people may complain abt doing some things for you...they may actually not mean it and help you when you need it?


Just a thought,Otto

7:32 am  

I totally understand how you feel. I am also like that. I always try to think for the other party, no matter how much they hurt me. I will try to understand. And the worst part is, I keep trying never to hate them. Although the anger sometimes do surface, but I keep telling myself to let it go.

Guess when you really do starting to hate, it's time for this to end. Just smile and move forward. There are always people who really care for you. :)

4:08 pm  

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