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Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Martyr For Love

I sat in my office longer than usual today. There were some tasks that needed immediate attention, thus I spent the whole morning on the telephone with some clients. It required some negotiation skills and perhaps some respect that clients give only to the big boss upstairs. Everything was moving along fine and was reasonably pleased with my new found negotiation skill. No sooner that I start warming up my new PR skills, the very same communication and negotiation skills are tested to the max by a particular client. I think she enjoys making my work life a living hell.

I was so hot and bothered by the whole conversation. It turned out to be one of those things that time cannot help me forget. Actually it seemed to burn even more as the minutes ticked by. I was out of the office by 3:00 p.m. hoping that some retail therapy would help me ease the uneasiness and anger I felt inside. Apparently not today.

Had a super late lunch in McDonald’s and a thought struck me. I could buy a bathroom mat. It always works for me. Stress out, buy bathroom mat. Guaranteed to make anyone feel loved! But oh no, I was so frustrated by the whole incident that even the more luxurious bathroom mat feel did not catch my fancy.

What is a girl to do? What is a girl to do? In the end, I drove home after work, dropped my laptop, retouched my make-up and drove all the way to the gym. I have delayed this task for far too long (been wanting to join since September 2004!) and I cannot delay it any longer. Signed myself up on the spot and felt immediate relief soothing my suffocating soul. I figured that the only way to feel better today was to exercise and take control over my life.

“Guess where I am?” I said.

“In front of my door?” PY replied.

“No lah, your house so far! Guess again. Guess again!”

She laughed the moment I said that I was by the swimming pool, legs stretched across to another chair with a gentle breeze against my face. I felt in control of my life again. In my mind, I had cycled 20 miles on the bike and swam 50 laps. Everything from work did not matter any more. I am in control, I am in control, I repeated to myself.

I reached home at 8:00 p.m. after a short detour at Nike’s in search of a set of nice gym wear. No, I do not own a single pair of tracksuit or sportswear. No, I have not exercised since leaving high school and no, I am not lying. The photo of my stomach at the side bar (it is the best photo you can place on your blogroll!) was a freak anomaly. I nicknamed my stomach area as “Miss Pudding” for a reason. It is tubby and squishy.

MiniBoyFriend R popped online somewhere between me chatting with Mr. Cynic Ian and Mr. Kuzco (winner of Best Date in London 2006). He began with a short “hello”, to which I had loads to say. Like about my delight at the prospect of joining some classes and finding some new friends. He subtly mentioned that he read my blog, to which I remarked “Is that why you are talking to me today?” That was the beginning of a rather lengthy but honest conversation. He ended it with “and this is what I want to tell you today”.

With my retro shower cap on, I jumped under the shower and exfoliated. I played bits and pieces of our conversations in my mind. R said many things – things that I hold as private and will not mention here in ANNN. Imagine storing all your thoughts and emotions for two weeks and then releasing them. That was what it felt to have the conversation with R.

R told me many things. He asked me to use the word “make love” instead of “have sex”. I clicked on the post and found out that I had used the word “shag”. We spoke honestly, the first time since I arrived back home. And as much as I wanted to be angry with him, I held my tongue.

Girls should be forgiving. Boys come and go but MiniBoyFriends tend to stay.

I find myself yielding myself to Alex more and more each day. This is a strange feeling, one that is alien to my being. The more I chose to be with Alex, the more I start to reject everyone else. Somehow everyone else was not perfect. They are nowhere close to being perfect, when I compared them using Alex as a benchmark. Each and every day I am reminded that Alex deserves my love and devotion. I find myself letting go of a lot of drama and emotional baggage. I have released them and in the process of doing so, I have freed myself to love and be loved wholly.

The thought creeps in every so often. It is the sudden realisation that there is nothing perfect on earth. And even if there is something perfect, it will soon be taken away. Life is such. So the little demon called “doubt” slithers slowly into my mind, reminding me that all my happiness is temporary.

Happiness is like the smoke from AB’s one pack a day cigarettes. Happiness is something that gives you so much pleasure and hope. Yet it intoxicates your soul with despair. You might want to stretch out your hand to hold onto it but you will never be able to capture it, not even for a second.

These days I have decided to approach life with a little bit of E’s wisdom. I refuse to think about it. I refuse to think about the prospect of losing Alex. It is logical that the lost will be as great as the joy he is giving me. To be with Alex gives me immense joy and to lose him is to lose the meaning of living itself. Love, like all other things on earth, has no lifetime warranty and if you are like me, you will be wary.

I have never intended to write about Alex in ANNN. Writing about him adds some amount of pressure because my readers are now observing and following our domestic life together. It is difficult for a couple to love in private and even more so in public, under the scrutiny of many eyes. I am conscious of the fact that I am leaning on him for support and comfort. Much more than I am usually accustomed to and in doing so, I have gained an experience that I have never shared with any of my previous boyfriends. Greater love also means greater heartbreaks – something that I do not want to think about.

So I refuse to think! Rather than thinking or worrying, I consciously remind myself that I should enjoy my love and I should abandon all inhibitions. I should throw myself into the relationship and lose myself totally in him. Alex has been the best part of me. I cannot foresee the future but I wish he would remain the best bits of me forever. I can only live for the moment and at this moment I chose to live with Alex. And even if my love dies, my love would live on. I am, after all, a willing martyr for love.

Small Talk
Moved to Beta Blogger
ANNN has recently moved to Beta Blogger. Do email me if you experience difficulty accessing the posts or comments.

I am in the midst of adjusting some stuff for my 191 posts. Check out the new alignment =) me likes.....

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Oh Good! Beta blogger now!

2:41 am  

Beta blogger? No wonder I see 60 unread posts in my subscription. lol.

Sounds like you're with CF gym since it's the only commercial one I know with a pool. Come join me sometime.

5:07 am  

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