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Tuesday, March 07, 2006
The Key

I am listening to Out Of Reach by Gabrielle (on loop) as I am writing this. Listening to this song brings back a gush of memories both happy and sad. Memories that were sinful and yet pure. When you hear Gabrielle sing, you can feel her heartbreak and that is the same heartbreak I felt with AB.

So confused
My heart’s bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn’t see
We were never met to be

So much hurt, so much pain
Takes a while to regain
What is lost inside
And I hope that in time
You’ll be out of my mind
I’ll be over you
~ Out Of Reach, Gabrielle

Can you just feel her pain? Can you feel my pain? There are days when I think of AB and there are days that pass without thinking about him. The good that 2006 has brought me is that I do not think of him quite as much as I used to. He is happy, I know he is. "I got to hold the lighting this time," he whispered into my ears just before I left for Phuket. I was in Lola and he came over, whispered into my ears and gave me a carress across my arm.

Some days I hate him and wished that he does not exist in my life. Those days I wished that he would not call me ever again, so I can finally move on with my life. Those are also the very same days that I was too busy to think of anything else other than work. Or the glorious days that I spend with Alex.

And yet there are days that I hate myself even more than I hate him because I feel like a fool. I feel stupid for wishing deep in my heart for him to call me. I changed my mobile number when I came home from the UK last September, just to be able to be free. I would be free because he could not call me anymore for walks or talks or watch him smoke a joint session or whatever. And when that happened, what did I do? I walked into his life again (because I cannot bear the thought of not being in his life or have him in mine).

Just to see him smile again and to hear him breathe.

To see the smoke drift above my head into the ceiling.

To see his weaknesses and strengths.

To admire his courage and perseverance against the odds.

To watch him dream, watch him feel frighten of his dreams and hopefully one day, watch him achieve his dreams. Because he deserves it.

To just be myself when he is around.

I saw his girfriend's brother while out on Saturday night. My heart grew excited when I told it specifically not to. Wherever this brother was, usually AB would be close by. Them lot came in a pack, so if girlfriend's brother was around, chances are so would AB.

So I looked, let my eyes wandered and I wished wished wished that somehow his hands will gently trace my bottom just the way he did for many years. When that did not happen, I imagined him sitting in the porch with his girlfriend, drinking and laughing, hanging out with the rest of the pack.

So confused
My heart’s bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

"Do you love me?" I ask him. Every time when we meet, I would ask him that and each time, he answers, "Yes, yes, I love you. I love you from the beginning and I am still here after five years".

If he were standing in front of me now, I would ask him again, "Do you love me?".

I imagine him inhaling smoke and then exhaling with "You know I love you. We have been together for how many years now?"

And just like Jack Twist, I can hear myself scream, "Then tell me how many times have we met this year? Four? Five times?". I would break down and cry. Again. And again and again.

"So tell me," I asked him one night. It was Tuesday, his workmate's rest day, which was also the day that I would accompany him in the DJ console. With less crowd, he was able to spin whatever his heart fancied. Usually it was great House, one after another, making my heart dance. And we would, gently circling each other, looking into each other's eyes and etching the slightest smile. "So tell me, what song reminds you of me?"

"This," he said, then giving me a peck on my lips. He gave me a warm hug, turned to the decks, chose a CD from his bag, slotted it in and the song descended the whole bar, light and airy. He turned to look at me when the chorus played, blinked his eyes once slowly and smiled.

Made a wish, I can dream
I can be what I want to be
Not afraid to live my life
And fulfil my fantasies

I learnt a lot of tricks to help me live my life
You helped me find my paradise
When you came I saw

Sunshine through my window
That's what you are
My shining star
Making me feel like
I'm on top of the world
Telling me I'll go far

Reaching out, for the highs
You inspired me to try
I felt the magic inside
And I felt that I could fly
I'm looking at the world in an optimistic light
You made me appreciate my life
'Cos when you came you were my... (sunshine through my window)
~ Sunshine, Gabrielle

These two were only the beginning. There were more songs to come as the years pass by, songs that remind me of him, songs that reminds him of me, songs that reminds us of us... songs that we danced to.. flirted with... laughed at... songs that he taught me to dance... songs where we innocently touched each other... How time has passed us by and at a blink of the eye, we are older...

"Then tell me how many times have we met this year? Four? Five times?". I would scream.

"You do not know how it feels to be me! How lonely I feel and how much I want you to touch me," I would snarl. Angry and frustrated, I would fight my own feelings.

I am glad that I do not think of AB much these days. Today I drove pass a bench by the lake. It is just an ordinary bench to others but to me, it's a lifetime of memories and secrets. AB and I spent countless hours, first talking and knowing each other. Then laughing and understanding each other. Then hugging and feeling each other's warmth. Then kissing and leaning on each other for comfort and strength. How many secrets did the bench hold?

I have spent too much time fantasizing that he would open the door to my house. I would have given him a key and he could come over anytime. And I imagined too many times we would do what most couples would take for granted - sitting on the couch and watch TV, discussing the American Idol results, cooking and sitting down for dinner together, grocery shopping in Tesco, letting cold water run down our bodies as we stand under the power shower, hands feeling every sensation as they run along each other's body...

And holding each other's hands as we close our eyes to sleep.

It never happened. The door never opened. I have never given the key for fear the door would indeed open.

He has a set of keys. It is just not mine.

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