About Nude Not Naked

~ I Bruise Easily, Natasha Bedingfield

Ten years have passed since I was in a very unhealthy relationship. In retrospect, I can see all the pit falls along the way. The problem I faced was that I refused to see all the wrongs as what they really are: pure wrongs. Instead I made up excuses for the person and even more excuses why I must be patient and accept the circumstances I found myself in as a 20 year old.

There were nights of mental torture, sleeping with a pair of scissors and praying that I will open my eyes again the next morning. There were emotional and physical abuses so violent that I had to resort to counselling. There were phone calls to the police station, begging them to come help me pacify the raging monster.

To be honest, I do not think I have quite recovered from the whole experience. It has changed my perception of men, changed my ideas of what a relationship should be and most definitely altered my opinions of God, church, life and most of all, love. I learned to toughen up and to stand on my own. I was forced to learn how to defend myself against people who were there to judge me.

“Oh if you love him, you will forgive him.”

“At least you still have your teeth. XYZ lost 2 of her teeth and she is still with him. Praise God for that!”

I am sorry but I do not see why we should celebrate a person who lost only two teeth but thank goodness, at least is still alive. What is the use of being alive if you are a walking dead? And I have lived more than 2 years of my life as one of such people. I remember days when I floated aimlessly. I avoided people and I no longer met friends. I did not know how to lie to them anymore when they ask, “How are you?” I was flesh and blood but I had no soul. The pair of eyes that stared back at you, though breathing, was in actual fact, dead.

I was naïve then. I bet that all of us have heard “love conquers all” at some point in our lives. I was a firm believer in this notion. If you love, you love the person wholly and you accept the good and the bad. But what if the bad is so bad that you cannot afford a normal lifestyle? Where you fear for your life and that of your loved ones? Where does the love start and where does it end?

And if you love, you will forgive. And I am sure many of us do forgive our partners. You forgive the person three hundred and seventy eight times every week, for the tiny things he does. Like for hogging TV control and kicking the door whenever he did not get his way. And then you forgive him for banging your parent’s door with a hockey stick, threatening to kill you, your family and the cat. Where does the forgiveness end and justice begin?

Speaking of the cat – I started to care for cats out of desperation. I was under so much relationship pressure and was totally unloved that I bought a Siamese cat and named him “Precious”. He was named “Precious” because he was the precious gift of love, attention and sanity in times when I was trapped in a dead relationship but was too afraid to admit to myself and to others that perhaps it was not the right relationship for me.

So you see, you can never fit a square into a circle. A circle is a never-ending ring that loops into itself and a square is four straight lines joined at right angles. You will get nothing other than frustration when you try to cramp a square into a circle. The harder you try to force it into the differing shape, the more pain you will experience.

And guess what? It is far easier to admit that a square is a square and therefore will never fit into a circle. You will feel exceptionally disturbed as long as you insist that the two fit together and perhaps quadruple your chances of dying young of heart attack if you persist in your futile quest.

Shapes will only fit equal or similar shaped objects. Just like relationships will only work if the partners have complimentary temperaments. I have spent too many years trying to fit my square self into someone as smooth as a circle. Obviously a circle is very attractive with it is smooth side and its unavailability. Its nature is to roll on forever. Perhaps that was the thrill and I sucked onto it for far too long.

I am a literal square. Despite what you read here in ANNN, I am actually a very quiet personality. I thrive better in comfortable and slower paced environments, despite finding myself drawn to the beautiful nightlights like a moth to its death in an electrical moth trap. I do not have the necessary skills to keep myself alive on modern hard surfaced mean streets and I am hardly streetwise. I might want to leave my world and lose myself in the vibrant convergence of perpetual streetlights and faithless love but I know I would die there. I have died many times trying to go there...

Moon said she would slap me if I ever run away with a circle. That is the best thing that I have heard in a long, long time. Thank you and good night.

“Would you come with me, if I leave my girlfriend?” he asked. I think he was testing me.

“Yes,” I said, then staring intently into his brown eyes. My eyes did not flicker for a second but I think he knew I had lied. He understood me more than I give him credit for.

***
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