About Nude Not Naked

Have you ever yearned for something for so badly that you feel that you are willing to sacrifice many a thing just to feel the pleasure of owning it? Have you ever spent days and days thinking and wanting something so much that you create an alternate world in your mind, fill with the very things that you wished for? Have you ever felt pain and emptiness inside, believing that you will remain so until you hold within your hands, the very thing that you fantasize for six years and two weeks?

I woke up at 4 a.m. to some text messages. Different short messages from PY, E, Alex and some guy I met in Lola the night before, nameless for the time being. That is until he starts appearing in my life so often that I will have to give him a name. He is quite successful at it with more than 30 sms-es since Friday midnight. I wonder if he would be shocked to find out that I write ANNN.

So I stared at the ceiling at 4 a.m. thinking about this thing that I want. Sometimes when you want something, you blind yourself to the obvious faults. You create this perfection in your mind and the thing is perfect, that it gives you satisfaction when you achieve it. If you spend long enough time wanting the thing, you might end up wanting the want, rather than wanting the thing. The problem is, you can no longer tell the difference between wanting the actual thing and wanting the sensation of wanting.

I caught myself feeling a little anxious. I began to question myself, what is it that I truly want. Do I really want the thing or am I just addicted to the romantic notion of pain and suffering? Do I enjoy the sensation of being lost or do I really want to find out what I truly want?

What happens if the thing does not give me the satisfaction that I thought it would? For example, I have spent months lusting after bags and shoes. I would visit each item every time I am in that shopping mall. I would do this and gain so much satisfaction seeing and stroking those items in the shop. But I lost the sparkle and the happiness the moment I bought them. This is a very common tale and I am sure that many girls can empathize with this illustration.

The satisfaction was derived from dreaming about those items and wanting them badly for months and months and months. It is as if in achieving the goal, I lost the want and the desire for the items. They were no longer special. They became just something that I had in my closet, like the other twenty pairs of shoes, no longer the thing that I lusted for.

I am going away for a day to discover just what my thoughts really are. Do I really long for the thing or am I just in love with the notion of wanting something so badly? The destination is unknown but once there, I hope to explore my mind a little more. Will I end up with the item in my hands and feeling totally satisfied that I finally have it? Or will I say, “Eh, I don’t think I was ever so into this thing.”

I have always thought that I would want to get to that special point in my life. I dream about it. I fantasize and build a world around it. It has always been this destination that I desired to go but now when it is possible to hitch a ride there, I am not too sure if I want to get there at all. I think I have reached a stage whereby I cannot differentiate whether I had wanted to go or that I wanted the feeling of wanting.

Do I want to go there because I had always wanted to go there all my life? I don't know. It has been so long that I can no longer remember why I want to go there, other than the fact that I have repeated to myself a million times that I want to head to that destination that is unknown...

What do you think, dear readers?