About Nude Not Naked

To Moon
because you know my tears
and I guess, I know yours.

Each night, I am conscious. I know that I am drifting into a far away place, somewhere into my subconscious, on the super highway to infinity. I know that I am falling into a frozen state of mind, where my emotions run free. I find myself thrown into a deep dark hole each time I close my eyes to sleep. I am flung downwards, spiralling into the unknown. My arms wide open, the feeling of almost freedom, with the exception that there is nothing to hold me back or spring me back to where I was before this moment. Everything is beyond my control and I can do nothing but hurl further downwards. I tumble deeper and deeper into the bottomless abyss. I cannot even hear myself scream.

I am trying to analyze this new sleep phase I have reluctantly found myself in. Is this vodka doing some evil nasties to my body? I have drunk so much that my tongue feels like a six month old sandpaper.

Or could it just be the restless nights I have been having since Diwali? All the constant 5 a.m. sleep and 8 a.m. get ups are bound to wreck something in my head, I guess.

Or maybe, just maybe this is a reflection of my emotional state. I do not even want to think about this.

I was trying to fight the sensation of descending into the coldest nightmare when his right hand snaked between the sheets and stopped the moment his five fingers were between mine. I was asleep and fighting and yet I was conscious enough to hear him breathing softly. His clinging hand was reassuring. It was as if he knew too that I was fighting my demons each night.



***
One of the best gifts that Alex gave me was a simple email. In this private correspondance between two lovers, Alex quoted a paragraph from an Ian Bank’s novel. In it, the writer described the magical moment of watching his lover sound asleep and hearing her breathe softly. Alex used the paragraph in relation to he felt watching me fall asleep ever so gently, into the most beautiful dreams. He said I had a serene countenance whenever I sleep.

"You always smile whenever you are asleep," Alex said.

I want to hear Alex say that to me again. Say it to me again, Alex. Tell me about my smile when I am asleep. I cannot remember feeling happy when I wrap myself in my seven pillows each night. Remind me of what it feels like to be happy in your embrace. I long for the nights when the frosty wind is howling cold outside our bedroom window. You said it was your tactic to get me to snuggle closer into your manly armpits (so you say). And you would cuddle me in your arms and I will feel safe. I will feel safe enough to sleep. You have the ability to banish all my darkest monsters to a land faraway and you keep all my fears at bay. I have realised time and time again that I only sleep with a smile when I am with you. When you are gone, I am a lost child and I do not know my way home. I want you to bring me home.



***
I am quitting drinking for the next few days. I am quitting going out for the next few days more. I have a spot on my nose and then five more red dots on my cheeks. My eyes are shut during the day because they are strained from the constant solar glare. The sun is conspiring with the truth, in their weak attempt to lead me back to the right path. I have lived in the shadow of four confined walls for too long and it is time for me to wake up once more.

I am sick of lying to myself, so sick that I feel ill. I cannot find another lame excuse to torture myself nor can I find a reason to. I have punished myself long enough and I think I have had about enough. I am tired of being lethargic, my emotions’ gone cuckoo. I do not know what to do with my frail self. Perhaps I do but I am not admitting to myself. Maybe I am too weak to face reality. Maybe I do not want to. I want someone to throw me a lifeline but I know that only person who can do is selfishly not doing it.

I could cast myself from this lake of torment, so why do I choose to swim in this sea of tears?

"Sleepy smiles are only second best to sleep sex. Trust me. I might not know how to get out of this emotional vortex but I know what feels good and what is bad."

***
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