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Monday, November 13, 2006
The Next Universe

To Wendii and all my readers
who missed stories about Alex
and how I used to laugh with him in the summer.


I know that there are many readers who do not know how to respond or react to what I have been writing in the past few weeks, especially when it came to the topic of AB. How is it possible to love someone and to long for another's company. I am not making any excuse. I shan't even justify my emotions or my actions or how I came about to being happy in the company of two men.

The story is simple, really and I shall tell you. How it is possible to love two very different men... How I ended up leading a life in a small room with one man and travelled the world with the other... How one opened me up to see the brighter side of life and how the other closed ourselves in a blanket of secrecy... And how both of them brought different degrees of sunshine into my life but only one unintentionally brought me tears and fears.

I grew up with these feelings. I knew AB when I was 24 and he was merely 21. His girlfriend was 18 then. How we ended up in this whirlpool of mixed emotions, false pretence and selfish love, I do not know. I do admit that part of my eventual break-up with my Swedish Love was due to my relations with AB. Swedish Love and I never stayed together while in Malaysia. He had his own apartment while I lived with my parents. Henrik and I did our daily stuff like all couples do and each night I pet him to sleep, then I went home, got dressed and to a certain extend snuck out to meet up with AB. Do that for two years and it is bound to fuck up anyone's mind. It surely fucked up mine.

(Quite predictably Alex was my other reason for breaking up with Swedish Love.)

I spent a few years waiting for AB pet his gf to sleep, then sneaking out to drive around the bright city lights with me. I spent even more years listening to him tell his gf that he was somewhere else, when he was actually with me. The last time I heard this was last Tuesday. We were young and we were free. We laughed when the police stopped us for loitering at 5 a.m. We walked around the old buildings surrounding the city when the skies were a bluish tint, where nothing but the pigeons heard our footsteps. We played together, we flirted. We rubbed our faces against each other, we had our sweat all fused together. He called each day when he got out of bed at 2 p.m. and I accompanied him at work on most nights. He held my hands as we fell into gentle sleep on weekends. Everything was so long ago, all memories in a puddle. I can no longer tell reality from fantasy. Maybe I have even made him perfect in my head.

Yes, he is drawn to other girls and has numerous sexual relationships with many of them. I was introduced to one of his permanent partners. She sat outside by the DJ console while I went in to chat with him. AB having all the other girls is a fact that I have never denied. For crying out loud, he worked as a DJ. One should understand better and not expect loyalty from someone like him. It would be easier for a gay to turn straight than for a person with his type of occupation to change and devote himself to just one woman. Just too many free fish around.

So why is he looking for me? Why does he seek out for me every now and then? While he sought others for sex, what does he get out of me? Moon said he received emotional comfort and perhaps for a boost in confidence. I always believed he was strong and smart and everything. Maybe I am the only one who stupidly thinks so. Personally I have reached a point when I would like to think that I am just his free fish. I jump on dry land for him any time of the day... Thinking this depresses me but helps me cope emotionally.

Where is Alex in this whole equation? My readers will be glad to know that Alex is safely right on top of the equation. I will never leave Alex. Some people have the ability to bring out the best in you and in my life, that somebody is Alex. He shines like a star, to guide me on my way. He brings out of the best in me and I love myself the most whenever I am with him. His presence offers me comfort and security that I have never known. Coming from an unorthodox family life, Alex (and his family) offers me a sense of normalcy and contentment, showing me a way to have a healthy relationship and family life. Plus he planted some onions in the garden for me last year when I told him that I did not know how onions grow.

This is the smart fish versus stupid fish debate. Alex is a smart fish’s choice and AB is a stupid fish’s. Just because you enjoy a person’s company, it does not necessarily mean you will smile when you go to sleep ten years from now. Choose someone that you know you will share a good life with. Ignore whatever good feelings you get from other people because they are not real, no matter how tempting they are. Try to think how it would be like to live ten years from now. What will your life be twenty years from now? Who will still be there for you and how loved will you be?

There comes a point in your life where you have to decide what you want. You want the bad boy whom you know will break your heart a million times over or you want the good boy you know you and your future children will be safe with? Do you want tears every day and night, lies and deceits that drowns you so deep? Or would you rather smile and enjoy life with a man who is devoted to you? Do not make the mistake of trying to change a man. Men never change and I do not expect AB to change the way he is. Neither do I expect Alex to suddenly discover a love for slouchy trousers and penile piercings.

“So what is AB then?” Ian asked.

Being with AB is like a dream and where dreams are concerned, AB is a very beautiful dream, a whole alternate universe. Come morning when droplets of morning dew disappear, so will he and his shadow. I will remember every moment spent with him, all my tears and laughter. All our secrets can be cherished and relived in my mind but those moments will never see the light of day because he is never going to be the man I would choose. I might long for him and dream of him but these feelings are held captive in some dark recess in my mind. I will never be with AB because the ending will never be happy and this is something we both know.

Listening to Hinder's Lips Of An Angel comforts me. Currently it is looping on my iTunes. Listen to the lyrics and you will know what I mean. This is the sort of conversation AB had with me for 6 years. This is the sort of conversations I imagine we will have till the day we die, unless one of us decide to finally cut all ties. I am glad to know that I am not the only one living with recurring dreams and fantasies of an alternate life that will never come true.

There are just some things in life that you know you cannot have. You cannot have them because you know that they are bad for you. You might enjoy the taste of the poison on you lips now but you know it will eventually kill you. So you deny your heart of its desires and with your mind, you find another. Find another whom you will be better off with.

For some the unconsummated love might be due to circumstances out of their control. Perhaps an event that changed the course of their love and they find themselves in a position whereby, they cannot be with the person they love anymore. Some chose to part and others chose not to start because of location, religion, culture, family or professional background, different financial situations etc. And they are left with a desirable dream because it was never a reality.

And you pay the price of knowing of an alternate life - the should have beens and the could have beens you could have shared with another. Sometimes love does not conquer all and the saddest part is you walk on this eart knowing it is true. Love seldom conquers all and often it dies in the shadows.

Some things are just beyond our control. Like love. Even with the best intentions, not all love will blossom into happiness and sunshine.




***

~ Lips Of An Angel, Hinder.



Honey, why you calling me so late?
It's kinda hard to talk right now
Honey, why you crying? Is everything okay?
I gotta whisper cause I can't be too loud

Well, my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I, never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's funny that you're calling me tonight
And yes I dreamt of you too
And does he know you're talking to me? Will it start a fight?
No, I don't think she has a clue

Well my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I, never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

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9 Comments:

imagine the pain as the dj's girl, knowing he's screwing around with girls young enough to be almost illegal and at the end of the day he selfishly holds you back because he knows you're his emotional pillow for him to fall onto and you'll never leave regardless of all the excrutiating pain and damnation he's brought upon because you believe you love him and with that single reason, its good enough to close one eye and continue to beg for happiness and the love that once existed.

and i bring that pain to bed with me every single sleepless night. xanax and stilnox mask the pain, only until the sky breaks into dawn.

5:45 pm  

i love the way u are so human in your posts. the way in which u talk about your AB, the addiction, every one of us has an AB, the one we cannot let go off, the jerk to every one of our friends who cannot understand why we still see him, still think about the smiles and the kisses, still wonder if u are to him what he is to us.

i also love that u are and seem to be always with alex. that is wonderful, stay with alex, he sounds good for u.

11:02 pm  

All the realism in the world will eventually knock on the door, right?

Sigh.

I don't know if this sounds weird, but I like reading about AB.

11:04 pm  

Moon
It sounds all too familiar.



Vanessa
Thank you for enjoying my stories. I think we all have our variations of ABs. Why we put up with them, we will never know... but it is the journey that will enrich our lives and make us feel totally alive and living.

But I wonder if he thinks about me, as much as I think about him... and whatever answer he gives, is never satisfactory.



Alynna
You are the very first person who seems to enjoy stories about AB =) and may you not be the only one.

10:41 am  

It is human nature to want what we cannot have. As such, we have to choose a single path from the fork(s) in the road. But how do we know it is the correct path if we do not follow it to the end? Is one path more correct because at this moment it makes you happier? Hmmm ... perhaps ... perhaps not.

The only thing one can be certain of is that things change. Therefore the truth is, one never knows. So in conclusion to my cliche laden reply, the only thing one can do is to follow Nike's advice - "Just Do It".

3:56 pm  

It seems to me that you are in love with hurt.

2:11 am  

Loong
And when we do take the plunge, we often call it love.



Xinyi
Aren't we all?

11:13 am  

I believe most of us have, at one point or another. Some of us take the effort to fall out of love with such destruction, though.

2:55 pm  

Xinyi
It's called growing up =) save ourselves from the unnecessary heartaches. I learnt it the hard way.

4:07 pm  

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