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Thursday, April 27, 2006
You Think You Know Me Well But You Don’t Know Me – Part Three

Have you ever sipped on a sweet drink? I bet you have.

Have you ever sipped on a sweet drink but all you taste is bitter? I bet you have not but you will today.

When you finish reading this letter, everything you swallow will taste bitter and just as you realised that it was meant to taste sweet, you will laugh as you wipe your tears away.

That much I can promise you.


***
You remember when we were 15 and we walked around the park in the evenings? We used to laugh so much and had so much fun. Do you remember the first time we went jogging and we brought our fathers along? Our fathers were classmates and were friends in their childhoods too. When they grew up and had daughters, their daughters were friends too. That was how close we both were.

I remember that you used to stay in a single storey link house while I lived in my old house. I did not like attending tuition classes with the rest of our classmates, preferring my friends from primary school days and changed classes to join them. You did the same. You did not say that you did it for me but I know better. We were good friends, even when I was wearing the black and white zebra print shoes my father gave me as a punishment for loosing my nicer pair of sneakers when we were 15.

We were there for each other, through the years. You went away to Cambodia for three months and I missed you dearly. I went to London for my studies and you wrote so often. We went through boyfriends, one after another but we were always there for each other.

Do you remember the time when we walked around KLCC’s parking zones, searching for your car? I remember. It was then that I said goodbye to High School Sweetheart and you were there to catch me in a heap of tears as he kissed me goodbye. You were concerned for me, so much so that you forgot to take note where your car was parked, having stormed upstairs to find me in front of Chinoz, watching him walk away from me again.

Remember the time when you slept in my bed after breaking up with your previous boyfriend? It was heart breaking watching you feel lost when he walked away from you and married another girl within six months. It was even worse when people kept asking you why did he leave you for an uglier woman. I remember the night when you finally cried yourself so hard that you slept in my bed. I curled up on the floor and slept when I saw you finally sleeping.

Remember you asking me if I wanted the bed that you shared with him because you did not want it anymore? Remember my look of disbelief that you were actually asking me if I wanted to sleep in the bed that you shagged him for more than two years? That was a classic.

You moved to Johor. I went to Johor. You moved back to USJ. I was there in USJ. You moved to Ipoh and I visited every weekend. And now that you are back in USJ, so I am there too, pillaging your refrigerator for supper snacks. I would insist that you cook me instant noodles because they tasted the best with friends. We used to sit on your sofa, talking about sex. You told me that you had to ask for some sex stories from your husband, so we had some stories to talk about. How we rolled about on the floor, laughing and talking about stupid things, like we used to when we were in school.

I kept you company and was there to see the first scan of your daughter. I remember your stomach being swollen, the doctor applying gel on your belly and we both saw your baby’s heart beating for the first time. I accompanied you for most of your pregnancy visits to the doctor and even dreamt that I was pregnant, just because you were!

I remember Alex and I going to the nursery to have a look at your daughter the very first time. Both of us stood by the glass window, nodded our heads and said, “No wonder you were complaining that carrying baby was so uncomfortable!”. Your baby girl was so big and long at birth! Even her feet print was nearly 1.5 times bigger than the average baby’s in the nursery. Alex made a little video of your daughter’s first day and was given as present to you and your husband.

You joked about your daughter taking me as a God Mother because I was a walking study trust fund. I gladly took up the invitation and till today, your daughter is extremely close to me. Your daughter calls out my name each time she sees a Satria zooming by.

You often ask me what am I thinking these days because I stare into nothingness as we sat for breakfasts. You asked me that in the pass two days. “Why are you so quiet? What are you thinking?” you asked. I would just shake my head and smile.

The truth is, I am sad. You sit next to me and I have known you for more than 15 years. Yet I do not know you at all. Neither do you know me. I thought I knew you and I thought you knew everything about me. Now I know everything was fake and my life was an amusement to your sad life.

Maybe you did not intend to hurt me. Maybe you said all those things with jest. But words came back to me and these are the words that cannot be taken back. No amount of “I love you”s or “I didn’t do it”s will change that fact.

Remember all those times when I went out of the way to fetch you when you were without a car? Feel bitter and know that I did all those things for you because I loved you as my friend.

Remember how excited your daughter is when you mention my name? Feel bitter and know that I loved your daughter very much, so much that even a child knows how to reciprocate with loyalty and love.

Remember the times when we sat at the breakfast table and I smiled and asked how was your week? Feel bitter and know that I talked to you and loved you when I knew you did not appreciate me as a friend.

Remember how I offered support and a shoulder to cry on when you were going through some personal difficulties? Feel bitter and know that I offered my shoulder when I knew you were my enemy disguised as my friend.

I could have told everyone all your dirty little secrets but I realised that would be too easy. You treated me like a fool. Perhaps you thought I did not know. Perhaps you thought if I knew, I would have sought revenge and pull a nasty on you. But with my daily smiles and continued help, you thought that I was your little fool.

How wrong you are. Some days I sit in the corner, feeling hurt when I replay all that you said about me. All the untrues and absolute lies, you gladly smeared my name. On those days, I asked myself to be patient and wait. Everything had its time and place. For every hurt you caused, I repaid with kindness. And one day, a time in the distant future, you will read this letter and cry. You will cry for the death of our friendship and all that the sweetness of your life will turn bitter. And everytime you reflect on our 15 years of friendship and you recall moments when I laughed and smiled, remember that I felt betrayed inside. My heart felt pain and I knew all along that it was you.

Everytime you feel hungry and want breakfast, remember that I wrote this letter on the morning of 27th April 2006. Remember that you called me as I typed this letter in my room. Remember that I agreed to coffee and bread with you and I smiled when I met you at our usual breakfast corner. Remember I cry with regret how our friendship has changed from innocence to something that I no longer recognize.

You told everyone we are best friends. You told everyone everything you know about me because you thought you were the closest thing on earth to me. You think you know me well but you don't know me at all.

I do not love you anymore.

No more small talk when the hunger's gone,
Otto



***
"I eat dinner at the kitchen table
By the light that switches on
I eat leftovers with mashed potatoes
No more candlelight
No more romance
No more small-talk
When the hunger's gone

I eat dinner at the kitchen table
And I wash it down with pie
I eat leftovers with mashed potatoes
No more candlelight
No more romance
No more small-talk
When the hunger stops

Never thought
That I'd end up this way
I who loved the sparks
Never thought my hair'd be turning to gray
Used to be so dark
So dark"
~ I Eat Dinner, Rufus Wainwright feat. Dido





***
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14 Comments:

Your story just reinforced my cynicisms and fear of entrusting my faith and loyalty towards people whom I did not grow up with (since I was a kid), let alone those whom I just met along the way. Bitter it is...

4:13 am  

Oh Otto... :(

All I can say is, don't lose faith in friendship. I have similar experience too. But what I learned is that, because you give love and open up your heart, that's why you're hurt. But if you don't do it, you will never get a true friend. It's all part of the deal.

I believe the universe is fair and just. What you give her may not have a positive feedback, but you will gain something in return elsewhere, in other aspects of life. So be positive girl. =)

Take care please. *hug*

4:17 am  

oh otto, i totally get what you're trying to say..... hmm.. mine isnt a 15 year friendship.. its a 13year friendship but almost the same background. sigh.

3:19 pm  

Ian
There are good apples and there are bad apples... don't judge all apples from just one =)



Kuek
You understand me well. Of course I don't regret doing all the things that I have done... and of course I would choose to continue being her friend. This is just what my heart feels inside sometimes....

4:32 pm  

Daph or Eve
I believe many of us (if not ALL Of US) have similar experiences. It is sad but I guess sometimes we need to learn that it is time to move on with our lives.

4:33 pm  

respect. your courage and strength are admirable.

4:40 pm  

Friendship is like money easy come and easy go. It's nice to have and shitty when it's taken from you but it is what it is.

May I suggest you read "The Life of Pi" I think it applies.

8:55 pm  

Bittersweet. :)

It hurts when you give and give, only to feel like you've been robbed in the end, eh?

Well that's how I felt anyway. It was terrible. *hugs* Otto.

10:19 pm  

Seng
Thanks, am trying not to cry on certain days when I think about it... writing letters like that keeps me sane.


Jinx
Hey! I'm reading Life of Pi (3rd attempt since purchasing more than 2 yrs ago).


Mae
You know, I won't change the pass and obviously would not want to change how I have treated her.

Life is such - You give your best shot and that's all you can give. At the end of this journey, you will have no regrets.

*hugs Mae*

1:47 am  

I don't understand how people find it in themselves to smile and laugh with the ones they intentionally hurt last night.. :(

Take care, Otto.

2:30 am  

Alynna
I guess she never intended to hurt me, but did it nonetheless......

9:49 am  

poor ms otto

4:52 pm  

InvisibleGhost
Not so poor lah... I've got you guys here =)

5:05 pm  

otto

hahahaha, agreed

5:10 pm  

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