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Monday, April 24, 2006
Stretched Memories

My one refuge during the day is actually writing. I find writing extremely therapeutic and would recommend it as an emotional analysis for defunct souls, such as mine.

I have been having terrible arguments with my mother. Now that would not surprise my friends as I have argued with her since the day I was born. Perhaps we are too different and our views are worlds apart. R begged to differ and said that mother and I were similar, which explained why we argued so much.

“Both of you are stubborn,” he said, eyes closed, inhaling yet another puff of smoke, which he professed a million times before this, would damn him to a sooner death.

When I arrived in KLIA last September and before I could even hug my parents, being away for six months last year, my mother asked when I would leave for the UK again. I feel so loved sometimes.

We quarrelled last week. We quarrelled last night as we sat in the car for Sunday family dinner. We quarrelled this morning as I walked out of the house for work. As a matter of fact, we quarrelled for the last four days when I am about to leave for work in the morning.

Now don’t you think that my mother is a terrible person, for she is not. She has a different opinion, one that is shaped by her own childhood and her own past. I am a person, entirely different from my mother. Everyone remarked how similar my father and I were, both in terms of looks and personality. No one ever said that I had anything similar to my mother. Excepting R, of course.

Our argument stems from my work, which I am the sole proprietor. My company offers a type of service, which is quite unique. I love my work very much, despite the stress and hectic schedule. What I love best is the fact that the business is mine. I am the sole decision maker and I have had this privilege throughout my whole career.

I can offer my services in the UK and be paid more than seven times the salary I receive here. I would work for someone else, receive good benefits and long holidays. Yet I stubbornly remained in Malaysia, maintaining what I do here because I love what I do.

Things are getting very tiring. It is getting complicated and tedious. I am upgrading a lot of things within the administration - retraining staff, organizing a new system and introducing new technology. Basically it is a new everything. The only thing that is not new, bright and shining is me.

I am taking a bet, a gamble that all the work that I am doing will pay off in near future because it isn’t paying me anything other than splitting headaches, terrible arguments with Mother Superior and long hours slaving at my iBook at the moment. It is a huge gamble, this thing that I am doing.

Huge because I can just clock in 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. daily, have lots of holidays and benefits if I did what I do now in the UK. Plus what I saved in the UK is more than what I earned here in Malaysia. I am apart from Alex because I love what I do here. I left all my friends, my lover, my life for something that I thought was a noble cause.

And now, I am not sure I want to be noble anymore. I do not see how I am able to settle down and have a family, given the circumstances at the moment. I am traditional in this sense. I believe that I should have children of my own and have them before I turn 35. Do not see how I can schedule that into my routine at the moment.

My mother asked me to leave everything behind and start afresh in the UK. And when I refuse to do so, because I love my business, she insinuates that I am weak, which I am not. I know it takes far more courage to stay where I am, bite the bullet and work through everything. So you see, my mother is not helping me in any way, other than piling up the stress and chalking up anger points.

I spoke to R over breakfast this morning (which was modest at 1 plate of instant noodles and 1 glass of iced coffee) and I told him how frustrated I am feeling at the moment. I do not enjoy arguing with my mother and it is beginning to appear to me that all that I am working for is a futile exercise. Same amount of work in the UK would yield me higher salary minus the hard work that I am pouring into my own business (just because it is my business). Just clock in, clock out and go home to Alex.

“You think I should clock into office and give my staff a lashing?” I asked. I spent my whole career, never raising my voice to any of my staff, no matter how poorly they performed. Perhaps it is time to show them who is boss.

“Go sit in Starbucks and write instead,” R suggested, “Once I was too drunk to work but thought it was cool to work when I was drunk. I took the keys to the storeroom and slept in there.”

I did not see how it was relevant to my dilemma but nodded anyway. R asked how my blog was doing and whether he could read what I wrote. I said no. He cheekily remarked that it was quite easy to locate my blog, if he wanted to look for it – which I agreed, with the exception that he did not have the time to search for my blog because he is too busy watching women change clothes for a living.

We talked about sex instead. Does not help my work situation much but at least it gave me some moments of laughter. We said good-bye half hour later and I am back in my office thinking what the hell am I going to do. Others can call it quits and walk away, if they were unhappy with their work. I cannot afford that option. I cannot because this is my business but above that, I love what I do.

So here I am sitting in the office, thinking what the fuck am I going to do with my life. Should I remain obstinate, like a pug, biting on something that I potentially cannot chew? Should I go and fly far away from everything and back into Alex’s arms, warm duvet and delicious dinners with friends?

I have a self-professed proverb – “A person who curtsies before the last curtain call is wise”. I foresee that it will be immensely popular, seeing the climatic changes everyone faces at work. A friend of mine has switched jobs more than four times before he even turned 25. Perhaps I should be wise.

My memories are stretched. I have been shuffling between Malaysia and Europe. I have tried to leave everything in Malaysia behind and migrate there. I think it is time to decide.

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10 Comments:

I think you are in a mild emotional depression. You are confused. You have lots of thoughts, but only negative thoughts roam your mind.

I think you feel miserable inside, lacking something, maybe love or togetherness with Alex, which is the reason you turned rebellious towards your mother.

To me, you are a sensible woman, a sophisticated one, always replying cleverly to your readers's comments.

Kick yourself hard, go over to UK to get what you longed for and in no time you will be laughing over this whole silly thing.

Ooops.. sorry for my unwarranted opinion

2:52 am  

Lickoholic, I reckon I've got that too. Oh man! *shucks.

Oops, Otto I'll comment on this post soon! Properly. heh.

3:08 am  

Probably you should just sit down somewhere quiet and peaceful. Go to a friends place, put on some relaxing tunes, then just lay back and give simple thoughts of how your passion bout your business could be brought to the UK.

If you love you what you do, you'll think about whatever way to bring it along with you. :) It might be painful to let go of people who've trusted you, but be honest and you know you've done your best.

Though I should like to meet you before you go off. You've got lots of interesting character hidden deep. ;)

Cheers and just relax.

4:49 am  

Yeah, I really agree with lickoholic.

I think you're stressed up. Way too stressed up by your work. And the missing of Alex just add on to it.

Take a break. A big long break. I am sure you'll figure everything out when you have a calm and clear mind.

For now, I give you moral support and virtual hug, hehe. *hug*

=)

6:51 am  

For one, wise decision is usually seems so wrong but that decision that can withstand the time will prove it wise and worthy.

You need to look far to see what u want.

11:49 am  

Licko
Mild is a very mild description. Hahaha.... You are right, you know. Am feeling miserable and overwhelmed by the amount of things that I need to do. There seem never enough time for everything.

I wished I was a child again! =( Growing up is no fun.... HAHA!



Mae
Am waiting for your proper comment!

3:59 pm  

DannyFoo
R was just telling me that I must stop listening to Frank Sinatra and Elvis Costello. Hahaha! Melancholic tunes..... so I've changed to Maroon Five for some UP tunes =)

Letting go is difficult and perhaps sometimes it is for the best, that one let go - no matter how painful it would be. You are right. We should look a little further than what we can see at the moment.



Kuek
*virutal hug*



Frostier
Yes, time can test and proof a lot of things. Let's see how the next few months will bring me. Was offered to write an article for the Rainforest Music Festival this year, so am quite excited about it.

4:04 pm  

if you want to be an entrepreneur, you are much better off in malaysia than in the UK simply because the brits are still relatively socially conservative compared to the americans.

however if you want to be a professional all your life then yes... uk is a better place for the middle class.

so don't regret anything and keep doing what you believe in. that's what an entrepeneur is all about.

today i am faced with the same choice of whether to work for an investment bank or take the road less travelled.

lets just say that one year from now.. there is a very good chance that i will be back in malaysia facing the same business problems you face now.

10:44 am  

BossStewie
That is the thing..... I am tired of being the boss... of being the one who is in charge of everything, running into the office like a mad woman at 3 a.m. to do something or repair something.......

I just want the luxury of clocking in at 8 a.m. and out at 5 p.m. and don't give a damn what happens to the company....

So all those workers complaining that they are slaving at work, imagine how their bosses feel?

It is the same for employers and employees..... both are slaves... LOL


How soon will you graduate and what are you graduating with? I know you are based in London from the photos I've seen on your blog.

11:04 am  

Hi Otto! Okay proper comment:

I, strangely enough, feel the exact same way. Except I AM in the UK, and my heart is the furthest away from home. This place isn't home, to say the least.

I'm probably in the same predicament as you but in a slightly different context because I'm still in school.

There are times where I considered blowing everything off because I needed to be happy. And this was my life and I was done making decisions for other people.

But then there are times where you think you need to make sacrifices if you want to do what you believe in doing right?

Oh what a pickle. LOL.

Anyway, I just woke up. I hope this is a proper comment. I hope you see this too, because I wrote one on the post before this.

Much love Otto. *hugs*

11:46 am  

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