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Sunday, April 23, 2006
I Wanna Go Home

It’s been...
  • 84 days since I heard Alex whispered naughty things into my ears, teasing me as we took a hot bath in Patong, Phuket.

  • 85 days since I last saw Alex walking around my bedroom naked.

  • 2 weeks since I decided that Japanese men make horrible porno movies due to their skinny legs and unappetizing bottoms in baggy underwears. All men know that the way into a girl’s lacy red thongs is through a really nice pair of boxers.

  • 4 days since I dreamt of university life, which R insisted was sex related because all R remembers of his university days is sexing like a bunny with his greatest love.

  • 8 hours since I felt that I wanted to feel a man’s weight on my body because it has been God damn long since Alex laid on top of me.

  • 5 hours since I last pleasured myself.

  • 3 seconds since I felt that I missed Alex a lot and it isn’t necessary all about sex.

It’s been...
  • 1.5 hours since I had a “let’s see who can scream the loudest” match with my mother.

  • 30 years since my mother tortured me with stories of her unhappiness, which caused me much unhappiness.

  • 45 minutes since I said that I would not pay for my mother’s future medical bills because she refuses to stop gluing herself to the TV and start to get up her ass and exercise.

  • 30 minutes since I promised myself that I need to get myself out of this shithole, because I need to move on with my life. I cannot continue living with an inherited emotional baggage.

It’s been...
  • 15 years since I first met most of my close girlfriends, sharing joy and laughter.

  • 1 year since I discovered that my close friends are the ones who backstabbed me and were the root cause for a lot of the pain around me.

  • 6 months since I knew that the amount of loyalty and friendship offered to them will never be reciprocated by them.

  • 3 months since I allowed my heart to die the slow, painful and quiet death knowing that my friends are all an illusion.

  • 2 weeks since I stopped lying to myself. I now admit that E has never truly loved me as a friend. It is painful to say this but to E, I am just a friend of convenience, someone who would rush out of my schedule and way just to have coffee with her, whenever she was free. And I accept that she will never do the same for me.

It’s been...
  • 18 months since I discovered that all that I loved and cherished around me is a fallacy and a lie.

  • 1 year since I felt that I need to reset my priorities and spring clean my emotional closet. Perhaps I should start afresh in Kent.

  • 9 months since I redefined what love is to me and reprioritize Alex in my life.

  • 3 months since I stopped answering all the 5 a.m. phone calls and hopping from one party to another, on nights that seem forever alive.

I think I am ready to return to my English home. Are you, my dear readers, ready to return to England with me and experience a different Otto?

I used to love being alone. I loved being the center of attention. I loved the fact that I could call anyone anytime and I never need to be worry for anything. I would be picked up from anywhere within 30 minutes if I was ever lost. I would be fed whatever my food cravings desired if I was hungry. I would be clothed, cuddled and flattered. I would be told how pretty I looked, how much they loved me and wanted to take care of me. Even on fat days, I surround myself with MiniBoyFriends who would tell me I would feel better the next day.

In my darkest moment when my imagination ran wild, I imagined my lawyer (who is a friend I knew since I was 14) coming to save my sorry ass from being photographed squatting at a police station.

And despite all the blessings I had in my life, I was lost and confused. I never knew who I could trust. It was more often that I found people that I could NOT trust than those that I could. And all the sweetness and good things felt like nothing and my life felt dark.

And time and time again, I would hold myself back from all my lovers. I never gave the all of me, maybe just a 90%? Never all of me. I loved partying too much. I loved the attention and I knew I could have my way. But seriously how long can you do that? How long can you run and be chased? How long can you send men round and round the city, running after a glimpse of you? How long can you cocktease the boys? How long can you bat your lashes and dance your way into the hearts of men? How do you know if they are true and if they are fake? Only time can tell such things.

And time has shown me that Alex is always around. I used to love him being away because it meant I could go out with the rest of my friends. It was the best of two worlds - both single and attached. I never understood why all my girlfriends were in a rush to find a boyfriend. I felt that I could always find another, if the shoe fits. And believe me, there is more than just one shoe in this world that would fit you comfortably. Was never in a hurry to be attached to anyone. I still have that independent and rebelious streak in me but even I can tell that I have mellowed down a lot.

Now I stare at the four walls and I wish that Alex is near me. We had the best fun together. He made me laugh. His jokes were funny. His intentions were the best. With him, I feel safe enough to fall asleep and perhaps even grow old *smiles* I no longer feel happy when I am in huge crowds without him. I find that I miss him more and more each day. The feeling is foreign. I am not used to feeling like the way I do now. I ache for Alex.

He is stripping the wallpaper in our living room and painting it pale yellow. Before I arrived last year, he changed the sheets and bought girl things to make the house a home. That is my home, a place that is solely mine and Alex's. It is a world unto itself, where we go somewhere in the countryside on weekends, where we get kiasu about the birds in our bird table. Alex even knows what kiasu means.

I wanna go home.

"Another summer day
Is come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know

And I've been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
I'm fine baby, how are you??
Well I would send them but I know that it?s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aerorplane
Another sunny place
I'm lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I've got to go home

Let me go home
I'm just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I'm living someone else's life
It's like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
But this was not your dream
But you always believe in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
And even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I'm surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
Oh, let go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I've had my run
Baby, I'm done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all right
I'll be home tonight
I'm coming back home"
~ I Wanna Go Home, Michael Buble

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So, are you seriously thinking about going back?

6:16 pm  

where are you again?

11:44 pm  

Home is where the heart feels belonged.

Unfortunately, I don't feel like I belong in Melbourne at all. Maybe it all changes when you've found someone worth spending your everyday with...

When are you going to Kent btw?

12:13 am  

Yes, I am seriously going back to the UK. Have submitted my application in the British Embassy. Will know result in 5 working days.

Boss Stewie
Between the UK and Msia for most years. Currently in Msia and should be away for approx. 5 mths in the UK, specifically 30 mins by train from London. I think I should be driving my A6 in mid May.

Heading there asap. I am going crazy here. Stressed out before even heading out to work on Monday. Isn't that terrible?

1:19 am  

Dear Otto, I'm leaving to further my studies in the UK during June. Care 2 meet up and be my tour guide?

-Uncle Ho's Apprentice-

6:06 am  

Every corner of this world, be it UK or M'sia is wonderful if it will bring happiness and sweet memories to be cherished later.

10:36 am  

Then go back, if UK where your heart is. =) Everything means nothing if you don't feel at home, don't feel loved and at ease.

2:00 pm  

Hey Otto,

I'm in London now. And Home is really where the heart is. My heart isnt in London. And it's a hole to be completely honest.

I really hope that going to UK for the next 5 months will make you happy. Life is all about making decisions for ourselves. And I hate how I've made my decisions for other people.

We deserve to be happy. :) Life is too short to let ourselves be miserable. So cheezy. Haha.

It'll be cool to have another friend in London though, if you're up for it. :P Much love darls.

9:03 pm  

U only THINK life is better over there, when things go wrong you will have no where to go except home, just like what has happened with sweedish guy. btw i think its a good move that u love your job and you are not willing to give it up because i know very few people who like doing that they are doing. You are only thinking of a temporary solution.

12:30 pm  

That is quite some words coming out of you =)

Well I don't THINK that life is better elsewhere. I actually believe that life everywhere is about the same. Some good parts, some bad parts.

What is different between the UK and Msia is the fact that I will be with someone that I love... and I am sure that even you realised that being with someone you love makes a WHOLE difference in your life.

Home is where your heart is. The main reason why I keep going back "home" is because I have vested interest in my business. It is difficult juggling loving what you do and loving someone. I am sure you understand.

1:36 pm  

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