About Nude Not Naked

Dedicated to Minishorts



One of the first few promises that Alex said to me when we first met was, “After knowing me, all other boys are boring. I will make sure this is the case.” True enough, three years down the road, Alex lived up to his promise. I have been indoctrinated with all sort of perverse male psyche mumbo jumbo, that every other men failed to amuse me, the way Alex does.

One of my favourite Alex Indoctrination is, “Pornstar vs Housewife Muff.” According to Alex (and I find his observations to be true after all these years) women are basically divided into two categories – the pornstars and the housewife muffs.



The Pornstar
A pornstar is a man's dream girl - the girl that you would love to be seen with, the girl that you want to take to dinners, the girl that captivates the attention of all men on the floor. But don't let her looks fool you. Far from being an air head, a high quality pornstar is intelligent, assertive, sexy and quick witted. Her smiles sparkles with a sense of confidence and when she walks into any room, every man and woman will turn and look at her.

There are many grades of pornstars, the lowest being pretty air heads (think Jessica Simpson, Paris Hilton and Anna Nicole Smith) and the ultimate pornstar being one who juggles being the perfect boy's toy and the money maker. Nothing is sexier and pornstar than a woman who buys her own blings. She is a joy to be with and friends enjoy her company. Top grade pornstars will garner the attention and devotion of her man (and perhaps one or two ex-boyfriends) for years and will always be an object of fascination for both men and women.

High grade pornstars delight in friendships with men and women. She has her clique of close girlfriends, supporting each other (emotionally and professionally) over lattes, Foie Gras and really beautiful shoes (whatever it means to her). She takes pride in her looks, so that means well maintained everything - hair, nails, body and face. She dresses well and appropriately with a hint of elegence.

How to spot a Pornstar?

• If a pornstar was a garden, she will be a well tended and maintained garden.


• She wears heels, even when she washes the dishes.


• A pornstar has a pornstar muff down south. She shaves.


• She is secure in her relationships with men - be it on a platonic or love level.


• Examples of pornstars: Angelina Jolie, Anna Kournikova and the post-divorce Nicole Kidman.

The Housewife Muff
A housewife muff is a China Man's dream wife - the one you leave at home, next to the kitchen sink pregnant. The Chinese have a name for her "wong meen por". She fusses over everything and nags over everyone. She forgot that she is a lady and should be taken care with gentle love. Instead the housewife muff launches herself into Rambo mode - cleaning the house (in slippers, shorts and T-shirts of course), nagging that her husband/boy friend does not love her, hot topic of conversations revolves around diapers, milk powder, household cleaners, her husband whom she suspects is having an affair with the 18 year old secretary, her second cousin just gave birth to another baby and how her mother used to take care of the family of thirteen with her bare hands.

She does not take care of her physical self. Some housewife muffs lost themselves when they became involved in a relationship, changing from pornstar status to housewife muff. To give some housewife muff some credit, most are wonderful women who sacrificed themselves for their children and family. Some were so caught up ferrying their children to school, karate classes, swimming lessons, French weekend parties with the La Pews that they forgot to look at themselves in the mirror. By the time they looked at the mirror, years have rolled by and her eyes lost their sparkles. And they do not know what to talk to their man anymore because they have not truly TALKED for years.

Rotten housewife muffs are those who 'let loose' in a relationship. These are the women who thought that they can just put down their guard, now that they are securely in a marriage/partnership. So they stop wearing the shoes, the lipstick and the pretty bras. They start piling up the pounds lining up at buffets because they felt that now that they have a man, they do not need to take care of their physical self anymore.

Instead of being a fun and interesting person, a housewife muff will complain and nag. Not only to her man, but to everyone, friends and family included.

A housewife muff reeks of desperation.

How to spot a Housewife Muff?

• If a Housewife Muff was a garden, she will be the garden with wild bushes growing and leaves everywhere. She literally is an unwatered garden.


• She fails to dress appropriately because she failed to understand her body.


• A Housewife Muff has a housewife muff down south - unruly and unshaven. For YEARS.


• She is unlikely to have any relationship with anyone other than her man. Since her man is her whole world, she often is insecure and desperate.


• Favourite passtime is to nag and complain.


• Examples of Housewife Muffs: I am sure you have your fair share of Housewife Muffs within your work place and your neighbourhood.

***
I am sure that some of you readers will be outraged by what I wrote and perhaps even outraged by what Alex has been teaching me. How can we classify women as if they were goods in a market or departmental store?

I have always been very attracted to Alex's honesty. Sometimes it might not be the thing that you want to hear (as a girl) but what Alex offered me was uncensored male perception of the female form and role. Granted that there are all sorts of men in the world and there would be men who prefer one over another. This Pornstar vs Housewife Muff is a general observation about men and women and the relationships they form.



Some Thoughts On Men
A general rule of thumb is the higher the position of the man, the more he will want a pornstar. He might keep a housewife muff at home to breed his genes but he will keep some playmates in some other postcodes for 'entertainment'. Men know this rule, but how many women do?

The few exception is good men who are contented with what they have and are loyal to their love. Then again, how many contented men are truly SUCCESSFUL by the public's definition?


Some Thoughts On Women
Some women started their young lives as pornstars and slowly they lost themselves when they got married and had kids. They suddenly turned into housewife muffs, trailing after their man, wailing, nagging and screaming foul murder as younger models of pornstars surround their husbands.

Some women are pornstars forever. Madonna is still one at 47. Okay she amassed a great fortune with her bare hands but you get what I mean... she is stunning for her age, she has her career and her family. And she keeps her man happy, in and out of the sack.


On being a girl
I think every woman has her moments. Some days we are pornstars and some days we just break down and cry. As Minishorts said on more than one occasion, "her tai yee ma visited".

Alright people, I have to stop for the moment. It's time for me to get dressed and put on my pornstar heels.