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Sunday, December 25, 2005
Escape Me Now

After mulling over Bloodied for more than a month, I’ve decided to post the chapter yesterday. What you read in Bloodied is merely the first half of the chapter, with the 2nd half being the crux of the story and the essence of Nude, Not Naked will be revealed. However I published that chapter the way I left it (as written more than a month ago) – unfinished and unpolished. It will remain this way until I am ready to write the 2nd half of the chapter.

I am unsure if readers realised that all the chapters are written in two portions – the first half tells Otto’s current life and the second half is her flashback memories to a time gone by. A diligent reader will realise that there are correlations between the first half and the second, in very minute ways. For example, the words Otto used to comfort the dying dog on the street were the very same words she used before to comfort Damien in Fix You.

The Future
What I did not realise earlier than yesterday was what I wrote in Bloodied actually happened. Please read Before The Next Teardrop Falls for a detail of the experience and you can make a comparison of the experience.

It occurred to me that perhaps Nude, Not Naked was indeed an insight into my life. While the characters, location of pubs, bars etc do not exist in reality, the themes from Nude, Not Naked are somehow a reflection of my thoughts and emotions.

Bloodied was written on November 12th 2005 and Before The Next Teardrop Falls was penned for the December 16th weekend.

Could it therefore be possible that my subconscious knew something similar would happen in my real life and was somehow preparing me for the whole experience? Is it possible that Bloodied was my subconscious processing my surrounding and that my subconscious knew that there are people with not so good intentions around me? And just like Bloodied, I had my own 'cuts' in my real life.

If only I could predict the lottery…

Kangkong For Christmas Dinner
I spent all previous years out drinking and partying with my friends. Some years were spent with E, PY and Alex. Some years were spent in huge groups of friends, making nonsense everywhere we went.

But this year Christmas was celebrated with a difference. I had Christmas dinner alone at home. Just me and a bowl of kangkong and CSI marathon.

I guess if I wanted to go out with my friends, I could have done so. But somehow I grew tired and weary of crowds in recent months, hence me eating kangkong alone in front of the TV. It wasn’t bad at all. I had Horatio from CSI Miami all to myself *smiles*

The Power To Choose
A different story on Christmas eve though. I was poorly (am still sniffling and coughing) and was contemplating going out and staying in. What? Stay in on Christmas eve? I must had developed high fever and fried my brain if I stayed in bed on the 24th!

Cough and flu left the moment I started dressing up. I honestly believe if you take care of yourself, you will feel good about yourself. And you owe yourself that much – to LOVE yourself. Feeling blue? Just wear the most beautiful pair of heels and treat yourself to something beautiful. You deserve it.

Anyway, back to Christmas eve at 2300 hours. Me dressed up, got into the car and drove myself to Lola. I was wondering if I would end up doing the Xmas countdown in my car. I did not. I did it walking two blocks to Lola *hahaha* I swore I would better prepare myself next year, rather than sauntering over to the pub at the final hour!

The place was freaking packed (duh!) and there was a long queue. I was so so so weary. Many thoughts going through my mind: Should I go in? Should I line up like a good girl should? Should I just give up? Should I fucking even be here, alone on Christmas eve?!

I have been really lucky in previous escapades out drinking with the boys or the girls or as a whole damn batallion of us. I politely excused myself as I walked forward, smiled at the bouncers, who smiled back and let me in. I could hear people grumbling, “Unfair, unfair!” but hey, I loved these people with Xmas cookies and treated the bar staff to huge tips, ok?

I found D, gave him a Xmas hug, wished him and gave him a small present. A leather keychain. Very macho and very him, I think.

I then, joined the rest of the group in the VIP room. Met D’s best friend and sat with him for a few minutes. Merry Christmas. Smile. Chat chat chat. Blah blah blah. What would you like your whiskey with? Coke, please. Ok, blah blah blah.

I took out my mobile and flipped it about. I broke my last mobile flipping it. I did this often whenever I felt boredom descending on me. And boy, boredom was descending at a greater speed than Mr. Johnnie Walker, himself.

In a sea of people around the bar, I chose to sit alone and flip my mobile. I could have just smiled and chatted with the girls and boys sitting next to me but I did not.

I was waiting for my best guy friend and his fiancée, who were still having their Xmas dinner. Three glasses of whiskey later, I was more red than Rudolph and could have gladly guided Santa on his sleigh.

Instead, I went to the girl’s room and was pleasantly surprised to find a long time friend standing in front of the powder table. We hugged, chatted and exchanged news. We have not met each other for close to a year and so we caught up for the longest time.

While walking back to the car with D’s best friend, he asked, “Where are your friends?”

“In Phuket,” I said.

I had friends in Phuket. I had also friends in Lola that night. What D’s best friend failed to understand was that I liked the fact that I have the freedom to choose my friends.

And on Christmas eve, I wanted true friends. Friends that I could talk heart to heart to, those that I can trust with my secrets and my fears. Not just the hoohaa drink drank drunk friends.

Failing which, I would rather spend it alone eating kangkong.

Which I did.

Short talk
E is away in some jungle for Xmas and New Year celebrations. PY felt too old for midnight parties. Some others (the couples) were in Phuket, thus leaving me with my best guy friend and his fiancée. Hence my loneliness during Xmas.

The Boy Is Mine
“Don’t’ you know? D’s gotten himself a girlfriend, XYZ,” she said.

“Well you shouldn’t trust him too much,” she said as she blew smoke into the air.

“He is an excellent friend,” I smiled with a smile.

“Don’t you worry. He loves you,” she said, tapping my hand to console me.

Did I need consolation because D has found a girlfriend? Didn’t I spend evenings with him, checking girls out for him in Lola? That I did, spending evenings drinking with him and his friends, checking girls out and encouraging him to go ask for their numbers. And each time, he would turn away and said he was not interested. D said those girls were no his type and he did not like any of them. Did I feel happy? Did I feel anything at all? I cannot remember.

“He is very careful of whom he is out with. You will never see him sitting with any other girl but you,” she said. “He brazenly shows deep devotion and affection to you.”

“Come here, Otto. The DJs want to know you,” D said.

Blah blah blah. Cheers! Toast, chatter blah!

After some courteous exchange, I was ready to go home and so excused myself to the girl’s. When I walked out, a bunch of boys were sitting at the bar, away from the rest of the group. Some were friends of D’s, whom I knew from our various drinking adventures at 0500 hours. The rest were new. So I sat and chatted for a bit.

“Who dares to bully Otto? Who dares?” D said. He came over and joined the rest of us at the bar. Boys are boys, even when drunk and these boys were just the same. They pulled at each other, like all good friends would.

Feeling tired, I gave up and wanted to crawl home at 0500 hours. Wished everyone good night, gave D a good night hug and walked away. On all other nights, D would hold my hand and walk me to my car.

That night his best friend walked me to my car.

I know it shouldn’t matter. And it doesn’t.

But it does. And I am lying, if I said otherwise. Why? Why why am I feeling this?

Yes, I am jealous. The boy is mine. This feeling is very new to me. I felt jealous when I was a child, fighting for my parents’ attention. I have never felt it (can’t think of any at the moment) as an adult and most certainly not in boy-girl friendship/relationships.

Yes, I know it is wrong. I know it is unfair since I am not offering D any form of relationship at all. Not even the hope of one. And I know that one day, he will find someone to love and he will not pay me the kind of attention that he has been paying me for the pass 2 years.

Yes, I know that I have Alex and this D thing should not affect me at all. Alex’s love is all I need, right? Right? Right?

Two things I believe that mankind
will never complain of
having too much.
The first being money
and the second being LOVE.

Who doesn’t like the feeling of being loved? Being cherished? Being wanted? Being thought of? I honestly think that you are mad, if you say that it doesn’t matter if you lost this secondary (or whatever) love, just just just because you have another love. What total BS!

This feeling is separated from the fact that I am in a relationship with Alex. I don’t feel that I need more love and therefore should get it from Alex. I think Alex loves me dearly and it is sufficient.

I am just mourning someone who used to think of me at 0500 hours. Someone who worried for me and kept an eye on what I did. Someone who called me to make sure I'm safely at home, even when we were never together during the night. Someone who welcomed me into his private world and shared his life with me. Someone who was just himself, strong and weak.

Dear D,

We spent many evenings drinking together. You told me secrets and I have shared mine. Over the years, you have proven yourself to be a good friend and a delightful companion. And I shall miss you now that you are gone.

But I wish you all the best and that you will find happiness with XYZ. As I have said before this and I will repeat it again, thank you for being an excellent friend. I appreciate your friendship and now mourn that you are gone.


Gotta talk to you, baby,
Talk to you now
Say it isn't too soon
See me again, sort it out
I got a feeling
Feelings don't lie
Don't let the words
Oh, escape me now
Oh escape me now
Oh escape me now
~ Talk To You, Tracy Chapman.



ya know. I kinda felt the same way too when my guy friend(ex best friend=long story) found a girlfriend. I think we women have this nature to be possesive?? i dont know. I guess guys n gals cant be best friends because its really very difficult to maintain that level of so called "friendship" without falling for each other....without getting jealous..etc

1:58 am  

Fashionasia: Friendships occur between two kindred souls, be it between men and women or between two similar sexes. It isn't so much as being possessive than actually 'taming' each other and knowing each other well enough, to warrant strong emotional bonds (such as love and jealousy)...

8:22 am  

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