About Nude Not Naked

I am not in a happy mood these days. I am not sure why it is so but I woke up today, feeling so depressed that I did not know what to do with myself.

I find myself quick tempered, flaring easily at the simplest things. My voice raised each time the maids fail to understand my instructions. I feel bad three seconds later. It spirals downwards from there. And yet I am less forgiving of others and my patience is running out. For my friends, my family, my everything.

I ask myself time and time again, trying to convince myself that I should be happy and contented. Everyone else would be contented in my position – with my everything.

No one understands why I am feeling the way I am. I guess some might think they can do a better job being me. “Freaking wasting the talent and resource,” I guess they would say. But what everyone does not understand is, I am all that I am because of how I feel. Change one bit of me - my hair, my eyes, my tears, my insecurities, my triumphs, my pains - and you will not be me.


***
So why did I wake up this morning wanting to mutilate myself? So I felt it would stop whatever inner pain I am feeling inside? No one would understand why I feel such amount of pain. Even I don't.

Probably I am too sensitive. Probably I am a doormat. Probably I am just a retard.

I am so angry with myself although I do not know why I am angry. I put so much pressure on myself. I expect great things from myself and yes, to many people's eyes, I have achieved quite a few things. But I ultimately do not feel great inside.

Probably I think too much. Probably I should just drink my thoughts away. Yes, I think that is what I will do tonight. I am supposed to go out with them friends but all I want at this very second is for the earth to open up and swallow me whole.

Did I imagine all the pressure I am experiencing? Is there actually pressure from society? Or did I just make it up in my mind? Am I feeling paranoid? Why am I behaving this way?

Some shots of vodka for this evening and I will see how the night end. I don't want to feel.

I want to be numb.