About Nude Not Naked

I am sitting in the office, with a towel wrapped to my head. Some friend’s daughter gave me headlice. ‘Merry Christmas, Aunty Otto,’ she said last week, then she gave me a hug. I wished it was just a hug that she gave me and not a head full of lice. My god, my hair is the longest it has been, sitting somewhere near my waist if I stretch out the curly locks. Some days I feel that they are the prettiest things on earth and on other days I feel like chopping them off.

Like this morning when I felt like a train wreck waiting to happen. I was very close to chopping my hair down to Marilyn Monroe's blonde shoulder length cut.

I think I have successfully screwed my internal body clock. I worked till past midnight every night for the past few months, getting up at 7 a.m. to work again. Last night I rolled in bed till 5 a.m. I had no control over my tear ducts. Tears streamed down like an endless waterfall of sadness and disappointments. I am exhausted and I am tired of everything. I am so sick of staring at my laptop that I feel like puking just thinking that I have to face the damn thing again.

And yet, here I am sitting with a towel around my wet bundle of hair.



*
I slept sometime after 5 a.m. this morning after the much needed emotional lonely crying session. And just when you think that Otto is all okay and I have sufficient sleep, I should let you know that I was actually quite rudely woken up by a phone call. Good job that I liked the client (or I would have chomped off her head) and so I sat up in bed and chatted with her for a bit. Made all the necessary arrangements for next year.

Couldn’t sleep after that phone call. I pressed the remote and the TV was switched on. It was not even 9 a.m. I slept 4 hours today. A mere 4 hours. It is no wonder I thought I needed medication last night.

I walked towards the cupboard and took out a dress. It was dark chocolate halter dress. The whole idea was ‘this is my weekend and I fucking going to walk around without a bra and without a care in the world!’.

I stared at myself in the mirror and arched an eye brow. I was happy stepping on my fancy electronic scales recently because I have lost 2kgs. Yay, that’s 2 kgs less of fatty thighs! That was what I thought until I stared at myself in the mirror. I think it was 2 kgs of breast, rather than thighs.

And I love my breasts! The lesson learnt before breakfast this morning is – Losing weight in kilos isn’t everything. Losing at the right places is more important than how many kilos overall. Now I am on a mission to eat until I gain my fuller breasts size again.

Which is really good news considering the way I stuffed 10 pieces of ‘yong tau fu’ for breakfast.



*
Sometimes I experience a nervous tinge. I cannot pinpoint when this exactly started but I know that there are times when I feel the onset of an anxiety attack. Like this morning, with my head 3 inches from the mirror and my right hand steadily applying the gel eyeliner. I suddenly felt faint, as if everything was turning black. But the moment stops almost the same instant when it starts. And I get back to my normal self.

One more week to the new year. Are you excited? I am anxious and excited at the very same time. There are things this year that were tremendous and wonderful and yet, there are things that still haunt me.

This year represents self-indulgence and pursuit for personal things. I have many things but yet, there is something lacking. How can I have so much and yet have so little? I cannot figure this one out. While everyone else is moving on and going about, I feel that I am trapped in a room that gets smaller and smaller by the minute.

Everyone escapes unhappiness and is in pursuit of happiness. I am walking around in a loop. I sleep at night and yet my mind is awake, thinking ‘This cannot be it. How can this be it? There is no way this is it.’ I sleep and feel no rest. I wake up but am not awake.

I do not know what I am looking for. All I know is that I am searching.



*
‘I have had many boyfriends. I will admit to that. I cannot promise you that I will love you forever. I promise that I love you today.’

I know it is 23 days to the new-year but I can’t seem to get the idea out of my head. A summary seems perfect tonight as I sit in my bed, typing, deleting, typing again while watching Miami Ink. I guess there is no rule prohibiting one from summarizing the year 3 weeks earlier than usual.



*
I have not dreamt for two weeks. Now that is strange because I remember my dreams well. Not recalling my dreams is worrying. It all started two Sundays ago when I was about to drive to my parents’ for Sunday dinner.

There it was, on the Bachelor’s Jeep. There was a burnt paper, like those burnt sacrifices you would see at a Chinese funeral. I looked upwards into the blue sky. There was no trace of illegal burning. There was no funeral wakes in the vicinity. Strange, don’t you think?

I walked closer to inspect the burnt paper and it turned out to be a photo, burnt and seared at its edges. I felt a pinch of regret in my heart the moment I picked it up. I looked at the eyes staring back at me. The eyes were familiar. They were mine.

The burnt photo was sitting on the Bachelor’s Jeep and the photo was me. It was a passport photo of myself, in a work blouse I wore to the last photo session a year ago. And I do not know who burnt it. Or why.

Did the burnt photo steal my dreams away?



*
If I have to choose a word to describe this year, I think I would choose “tremendous”. 2007 is tremendous in every sense. It has been an exciting year, full of challenges and filled with excitement. I actually feel quite smug when I think about it. I have done a lot of things that I have never done.

Like working non-stop. This is the first year where I did not take much holidays. I usually work away from the office for at least three months of each year. However this year, I have my legs firmly planted in Malaysia. Specifically in my office, Monday to Sunday, from morning till night.

I started this year with a renewed vow. I promised to grow myself in every aspect of my life. I stopped taking my business for granted. I reclaimed all that was mine years ago. I worked hard and I shopped harder. The business grew and here I am 23 days into a new year, in a room full of things, which now includes a flatscreen tv (and a secret red Louis Vuitton in the cupboard - shhh).

A year ago I never imagined the flatscreen in my bedroom but yet, there it is, noisy every night. Looking at it now while I write this to you, I can’t seem to decide if I would flirt with Ami or Nunez (of Miami Ink).

I have not flirted in a long time. If flirting was a wall, it would be full of spider webs and icky flies.



*
I switch the television on the moment I retreat to my bedroom. I wake up at 3 a.m. and the tv flickers on and on. Occasionally the tv broadcasts red, green and blue lines with a flat high pitch beep. It is as if I am filling my emptiness with background noises.



This is about the only photo
I have taken 2nd half of 2007.

***
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