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Monday, June 23, 2008
Detachment and Reattachment

‘Silly Milo,’ I said to the fat orange cat. He was busy poking his nose into the corner of the potted flower. Every so often, Milo waits at a wall, waiting for a lizard to drop to the ground. And when it did, Milo would lunge at it.

‘See, all you have is the lizard’s tail,’ I said as I lifted the potted flower. The lizard was nowhere to be found. All that was left of it was its tail, still twitching and jumping about. ‘ A lizard’s tail as a decoy.’


Don’t worry. I have written in this blog many times since the last entry. I wrote them in the middle of the night, when nothing is alive and everything is asleep. I wrote them in my head, word by word, weaving tiny little sentences into a big story to call my very own. Some nights I even managed to come up with a witty title for my entries. Seriously.

There was a night when all I heard was tiny water droplets drip dropping from the faulty tap in the bathroom. All I could think then was to describe everything my eyes saw and everything my heart felt. You see, I have experienced some strange things. So strange that I have changed and even stranger still, the experiences caused me to stop writing altogether.


Did you know that I can see sounds? Yup. I promise you that it is true. I can SEE sounds. I hear sounds, of course. But I also see them. Some people have square sounds and some others have round sounds. Sometimes I bump into people with triangle sounds too but they are quite rare.

These days I not only see sounds. I feel a person’s emotions floating on his head like a cloud. But it isn’t necessarily a cloud. Some people have rainbows and butterflies instead of clouds. Others are like a scene out of The Sound of Music, green hills complete with bunnies and all. Angry people have angry clouds that look like looming dark clouds with occasional fiery dragon breaths.

I used to be one of those people with angry clouds. I always imagined myself a dark endless cloud that mushrooms more and more into the air. It was a frightening affair, with secrets and unknown dreams. Sometimes there were thunderstorms above my head and when it was not, it was a tornado tearing at the centre of my soul, eating everything bright and beautiful.

I sowed seeds of anxiety and pain through Nude, Not Naked, writing everything in a pitch-black cloud that was punctuated only by terrifying screams of my own nightmares. Everything was beautiful but I felt as if I stood at the edge of a thunderstorm and at any moment, someone or something would take everything I loved away. Everyday felt like I was standing at the eye of an emotional storm.

In my dreams, I always ran. I ran from the unknown to the unknown. I ran from doomsday monsters and evil spirits that trailed after me during the day. I watched people I loved die before my eyes. I stood at rapture. Dreams were literally swirls of my emotions and subconscious thoughts.


For the longest time, I had not written. How can I write when all I have above my head are blossoming flowers, flying fairies and sunshine? I tried searching for the evil dark clouds but they are nowhere to be found. Not under shadows of things, the deep recess of cupboards or corners of rooms. It occurred so slowly and so subtly that I am blatantly caught by surprise.

If I were to write a sentence or two, they would spew giddy happiness and everlasting joy. Bloody hell, I am like the princess from Enchantment. Every word is a blissful melody and every emotion is of pure contentment and delight. I am actually feeling at peace with myself and with the world. Everything is fine and I am all right.

Damn it. I am robbed of my misery and words do not seem to carry the same anger or resentment they once did. I do not know how to write anymore.


‘I am ok,’ MiniBoyFriend R said. ‘I am fine on my own. It’s okay if I have this thing,’ he said as he pointed to his mobile. ‘And it is fine if I don’t.’ Obviously the mobile was an illustration. He was talking about material things and the detachment that he felt though he owned those items. He felt nothing when he had them and he felt nothing if he lost them. Nothing on earth added or took away anything away from MiniBoyFriend R. He just was and just is.

I hold onto everything very tightly. Every memory, every dream, every word, every action and every thought – I play them in my head a million times. When I am happy, I savour the experience a thousand times and when I am sad, my heart dies a thousand million times. Every emotion is clearer and every colour is brighter. And though I feel so much sadness, my heart also felt so much hope and love.

And if I were to detach myself from pain and danger like a lizard detaching his tail, maybe all I am escaping from is life. And what is life is if you cannot feel a thing. You might as well be a lettuce or cabbage on a field. I rather feel all the pain and all the dark clouds, if it means I can feel all the sunshine and fluffy bunny's tail.

You must celebrate with me. I will write again soon enough. I was not ready to share my intimate thoughts many months ago but now I think I am. I have changed, of course. But that is life, I guess. Some days you are a nuclear waste land of vast emptiness and other days you are just pure fertile soil, bountiful fruits and fresh water. Detachment and reattachment from life, playing itself in a loop of birth and destruction.


If I asked you to choose a body position to represent your heart, what would it be? How would you arrange your body? Where would your head lay? Where would your hands be? Are you legs touching the ground or flying into the sky? Would you be soft and laid on the ground? Would you be in high motion, one leg up and ready for action?

In recent weeks, I instinctively moved myself into a position. I do not think it is yoga since I do not know any yoga poses. However my body tells me to get into this position for a few minutes each morning and so I do exactly what my body tells me to do. Each morning I would wake up and take my position. Palms by my side and opened, I would face the sun with my eyes closed. I would soak and imagine absorbing all the positive energy from the sun into the core of my body. Then I would raise my arms above my head, stretching myself like an arrow flying into the sky whilst my feet are firmly planted on the ground.

If I were to choose a body position to represent my heart at the moment, this would be it. Feet firmly planted on the ground, hands stretched outwards and upwards, like an arrow shooting into infinity.