About Nude Not Naked

~ Simple, KD Lang




So here is the deal. I got myself a car. No shit. I did. It started last Monday when MiniBoyFriend R and I were sitting in our little breakfast corner, having the grandest breakfast for the day. I moved my seat away from the reflection of the sun on my old faithful blue Wira. He was busy composing his list of errands for the day while chain-smoking away.

‘You should get a new car,’ he said. He squinted his eyes to avoid the glare.

‘I don’t need a new car.’

‘Yes, you do. Your Wira is old and its safety belts aren’t working anymore. It’s fucking suicide.’

Ah yes. My safety belts were rendered ineffective sometime last year. Even a trip to the workshop did not manage to solve the problem. Apparently the problem can only be fixed with RM500. Brand new safety belts for the very old Wira that is valued no more than RM9000. I did not get the safety belts fixed despite being one of those people who are extremely ‘safety belts on before starting the engine’ sort of person.

Which means it would have sucked if I landed myself in an accident.



*
‘And you cannot get a car that is cheaper than your Wira. That means you cannot purchase a Kancil.’ It is amazing how MiniBoyFriend R seems to be able to read my mind. ‘And you can’t get my car!’

‘You can buy a Honda,’ PY said, shrugging her shoulders casually. ‘Low interest rate of approximately 2% per anum.’

‘Is it approximately 2.9% or 2.1%? There is a lot of difference between the two.’ I asked. It was Wednesday’s breakfast session with PY and R when I decided that we should all venture to the nearest Honda showroom to check out the real deal.

And so we did check the car out on Wednesday. And then I did it again on my own on Friday and on Sunday, four grown men accompanied me to the showroom to confirm the purchase. Who were they? My two brothers, MiniBoyFriend R and The Bachelor, who was happily turning the steering wheel of the Honda Civic, like a play toy.



*
‘Get as much love you wish from this car. I am buying the Honda,’ I said to PY when she slouched in lazily on Monday morning.

‘Wow, that was quick.’ I nodded my head. I was so deliriously happy that I was on my way to buy my very own Honda City. I am a big girl now, I thought to myself.

I can tell you now that it was the calm before the storm. You would think that buying a car is as simple as writing A-B-C. Nope. I had to choose a bloody colour and I could not decide between the bluish silver or the sparkle grey. My mind shifted between the two like a see-saw. Two seconds here and three seconds there. Could not make up my mind.

Then I found out that I do not have the bloody NBC shit. Apparently my Wira was registered under my father’s name to save insurance money. Or for loan purposes. I can’t remember and neither can my parents. So I am starting my NBC at the age of 31. Fuck.

Then I found out that I could not transfer my most favourite carplate number in the whole wide world to my new car. I have to get some random carplateshit. You can be sure that Otto no like.

Then all hell broke loose when my parents found out about the NBC and the carplate shit. They have all the creative suggestions, none of which are effective - to save money, continue to use father’s name for NBC discount. Thank you very much but no thank you. Then there was a moment where the lawyer was involved in this elaborate plan to transfer all the old junk cars at home, so I could transfer the carplate back to the original owner, ME.



*
Some people might call what I am doing now a distraction from what is truly bugging my real self. I mumble nonsense whenever anyone enquires about Alex. I am not ready to face yet another ‘Oh look, Otto broke up with yet another nice boy AGAIN!’ lecture from really wonderful friends and thoughtful parents.

Am I happy where I am now? Yes and no. I am happy because I feel extremely settled at the moment. My business is flourishing because I spent time nurturing it instead of running to Europe like I did in previous years. I have a place to call my own and now I can look forward to a new car. I have a small clique of good friends and then I have my beautiful cats. So yes, I am happy.

But no, I am not happy because I feel that I have paid a huge price. I do not know what the actual price is but I know that it is priceless. To gain control of my life, I had to cut Alex out. I had a life in the UK and now I have a life here.

I also know that Alex is also much happier, despite his pining emails. Or maybe I would like to think that he is. He has been to a few other countries since I left Sevenoaks in May. He has even been to Stockholm. I hope that he will grow and find a place for himself.

And I hope that one day I will come to a place in my life whereby I can say I am home. And if you know me in real life and you love me, do not ask me whether I am with him or not with him or whether I am this or that. I do not know what status I am. Or maybe I do.

All I know is that I am Otto and my real name is Love. And on some days I wished KD Lang was right - that love was truly simple.

"I am calm in oblivion
Calm, as I ever have been
Love will not elude me
Love is simple"
~ Simple, KD Lang