About Nude Not Naked

~ Hey There Delilah, Plain White T's

I missed Alex and so two weeks ago, I had wanted to write him an email. How fortunate it was for me that Alex wrote before I did. And soon the emails flew back and forth between time and continents and here we are, two weeks later, chatting like old friends. Each email starts off offbeat and sunny, with greetings and sharing of news. Then like a roller coaster past its first peak point, the email will then tumble into a bloody tirade of emotions, tears and frustrations. It is safe to say, each email is a wordy mess.

We seem to be mourning for our relationship. Instead of the usual "I love you" endings we used to send each other, we now end our emails with "I have a hole in my heart that I know not how to fill". And then we feel a sense of great despair – a sense of loss that we don’t have any words for.

Thus far he had sent me some old photos of myself to remind me who I was when I first knew him. Most were photos taken in the summer, in his mother’s wall garden with beautiful flowers everywhere. We were both so exited and happy in those photos.

And now all we have are these…



We had wonderful conversations that seemed endless on these chairs. Their arms used to touch each other as Alex and I used to lean over to kiss and hug each other. Now these chairs represent all that is in our hearts – a sense of loneliness and lifelessness as the chairs grew apart.



Once I wrote a list of what I enjoyed with Alex. I know that I wrote the list because here is the photo of the note on which the list was written. That is my handwriting and it must have been written last summer. The list was short, consisting of only three items. I am sure that there were more to come, if only I had the time to write them all down.

And if I had to write them down now, I would add:

• The way Alex made me laugh. Eg: how he thinks that fat girls will love him best because ‘there is no love like a fat girl’s love’.


• Immaculate taste. I can trust the man to tell me how my bottom looks in anything. And Alex will tell the truth.


• Chasing each other up and down the stairs like a pair of kittens playing for fun.


• How we watched House and Scrubs in bed.


• How Alex fed an injured fox and managed to tame it enough to be his pet.


• Alex bought crates of tuna cans to prepare for the end of the world…

The list would go on forever and would include, ‘I rather tell people that we are breaking up because you want a baby. It makes everything sound more tragic and girls will want to date me.’ I never really understood his logic but I always loved his sense of humor.

This post has no ending, so I will end it with Alex's email for me today.



*
I'm glad I made you laugh...

So many words said getting a smile from you. I enjoyed teasing you too much, delighted in that little squeal of indignation, seeing you huff puff, and then tickling you better. Almost the entire basis of our relationship...

I would like to be over there shopping for a house with you, using my inflated expat salary to live the life of luxury. Alas just fantasy for the moment. Five years time i will be doing it with some other girl, and you will have found what you wanted with someone else.

Makes me sad, still miss you everyday.



*

Hey there Delilah
I know times are getting hard
But just believe me girl
Someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar
We'll have it good
We'll have the life we knew we would
My word is good

Hey there Delilah
I've got so much left to say
If every simple song I wrote to you
Would take your breath away
I'd write it all
Even more in love with me you'd fall
We'd have it all
~ Hey There Delilah, Plain White T's