About Nude Not Naked

To all the bad lovers in the world,
including the lousy people representatives of Malaysia.
~ Hit The Road, Jack (Ray Charles)



Like all other foolish 17 year old, I was blind enough to love you. You promised to love me. You promised to protect me and help me in my times of need. Like any young person, I promised that I will love you forever. I promised to be the best that I can be, so you can lift your head and be proud of me.

You were my hope and my dream. You were my everything. Being with you gave me immense pleasure and I missed you whenever I was away. I knew that you were always there for me. You promised to be true to me. You promised never to lie to me. You told me that I was special. You promised me the sun and the stars in the skies.

You promised to always love me. But you never really did. Did you? You did everything in your power to break my heart. You broke my heart then and you are still breaking my heart today. And now I am wounded. My heart bleeds and it will never stop bleeding.




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I remember the first time you broke my heart. I was naïve enough to believe that you will love me. You said that I was special. You love her but you will love me too. That was what you said. But I guess you lied. Like how you lied to a thousand others.

I remember reading those rules and regulations. You discriminated against me – against my color and my race. You gave many others opportunities because they were the right color, professed the correct religion and were the so-called surpreme race, thus having the surpreme right. Do you not know it isn't your right? It was at the expense of MY rights as a citizen of Malaysia. You gave others scholarships to pursue education in other countries when they did not possess the right skills nor knowledge. And you left me out in the cold, to find my future all on my own.

I was not good enough for you. I was not the right color. I was not the favoured race. There were many others who converted to the favoured faith so that they might receive your love and approval. But not me. You see, I do not sell my soul to the devil. Your love is conditional and it is conditional in its worst kind.

I will never forget the day when you turned your back against me. I will never forget what I said the day when you walked away from me. Like all heart broken lovers in Malaysia, I rubbed my tears and promised myself that this will never happen again. This is the last time you will discriminate against me. You will never be able to break my heart again. I will rise up and stand on my own. And I will no longer love you because you have never loved me.

I would accept the fact if my results were not good enough but do not tell me that I am not good enough because I am not of the right colour. Or because I do not the same race box as you. You have failed me terribly. I hope you feel some form of shame.

Now you are calling for me to return home. You ask me to show some love and affection. You ask me to be loyal to you. You ask me to contribute my skills and knowledge. You need me. You need others like me. But like all bad lovers, you twist your words. Instead of taking responsibility and apologizing, you call me unpatriotic and self-serving.

But why should I love you when you had not loved me? Only a fool will continually do so. And I am no one’s fool and as a 17 year old, I promised myself that I would never be a fool for you.




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Thankfully it was only you who failed me. I found other means to fund my tertiary education. I pursued a course of my choice, learning all the necessary skills that I need. Someone else loves me more than you do. Someone else appreciated my intelligence and skills as a person. Someone else gave me the opportunity to broaden my horizon and to gain the necessary experience that I needed.

I made another promise to myself on the day I graduated. No matter how you entice me with sweet nothings, I will never work for you. I could have worked for a government agency but I opened a business instead. And I promised that I will never bow down to you, no matter what happens. Do not underestimate the fury of a woman scorned. You have insulted me enough.

I am not going to join you when I know that you are discriminating against me. Why should I keep quiet and pretend to be the second best when I know that I am the best? You see, I might be young but I have got spine. I know that I will find a way to not only survive in this world. I will find a way to excel, despite all the hindrances you stacked against me.




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It is more than 10 years since you last broke my heart. I do not habour any hope of reconciliation. We cannot reconcile when you have not changed. As a matter of fact, you have gone from bad to worse. When I was 17, your disloyalty was mere subtle. But now, it is blatantly apparent that you do not care for me anymore. You do not care for us.

Your lovers came to you with roses. A good lover would have listened to their complaints. You are not a very good lover, are you? You refused to commune with your lovers. Instead of love and affection, you doused your lovers with acid laced water and tear gas. Lovers argue and lovers quarrel. But lovers do not send the police to lock 200 up.

My darling, you have broken too many hearts. At 50 years, you are hardly the heart throb that you once were. And you no longer carry the glimmer of hope you once did.




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I love you very much. I love you so much that I know what needs to be done. The cancer in your body is spreading like wildfire. I am a supportive lover. I am here to help you get better. We will severe the cancer-ridden parts, so you might re-emerge fresh and new. I know it will be painful but it is something that you must endure. It is something that all lovers must endure. I will be here for you and I will hold your hands through this difficult time.

We have a date on the 2nd Saturday in March. Do not forget our date. That is the date that destiny has appointed. I will rid you of your cancer on the 8th of March. Your other lovers will free you of your afflictions. Like all lost lovers, I hope that you will wake up, changed and humbled by the experience. You have 12 months to prove how you have changed. I really hope that you would change because hope is about the very last thing I have left.

I will feel sad if you fail this 12 month probation. I will be sad because I know that all hope is lost and I would have to end my relationship with you. 32 years of mistreatment and abuse of my love and devotion is more than I can bear. I will not put my children through the same relationship too. I will then have to say good bye.




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You know that you could have had the best of everything? You could have my loyalty and love? But you abused my love and devotion and now it is too late. This is the not the end, my love. This is just the beginning.





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