About Nude Not Naked

There is a watch that sits in my top drawer. It is no longer working. It is so old and worn out but still it sits in my top drawer. Each time I open my drawer, I remind myself of its life story.



*
The watch wasn’t special. It wasn’t any of these fancy watches you see these days. It was an ordinary black strap, white face Casio watch, I bought myself a long time ago. I can’t remember when exactly I bought it but I remember who I was with when I did.

The guy’s name was Alan and he was my friend. He was my friend for the longest time and then he became my millennium boyfriend. Yeah, I have had quite a few boyfriends and it seems to me that time is easiest to measure using boyfriends as a timeline. So now I can confidently tell you that the watch must have been at least 7 years old.

The watch wasn’t special but Alan was. He was the first man I loved because he loved me more. It might sound selfish to you but trust me, this arrangement works in the woman’s favour. Loving a man more always spells disaster.




*
‘Why didn’t you fix the watch?’ I asked him. It was 2 weeks since the watch needed a change of battery and I was waiting for Alan to do it for me. Not that I am spastic or anything. I could have done it all on my own but somehow my mind was quite firm on the decision that Alan should be the one to change it.

Somehow along the way, I determined to use it as a test. Somehow I had associated his love for me on this act. The more he delayed, the more I saw that he did not love me. He would have changed the battery by now if he loves me, I thought to myself. Each time I pestered him, he would just mumble some excuse. As days turned into weeks, I grew impatient and one day, I cried.

‘You don’t love me,’ I sat, facing the other side of the room. I did not want Alan to see me cry. He reached over to hold my hand but I withdrew myself from him. If he had loved me, surely he would have changed the battery for me by then. 2 weeks is a long time to wait and I had waited for Alan to proof how much he loved me.

‘I love you so much,’ Alan said, reassuring me that everything was okay - that he loved me and that I was just being silly. The more he denied my feelings, the more hurtful everything felt and soon I was convinced that he did not love me anymore.

If he loved me, he would do it for me. How difficult is it to get to the shopping mall to change a damn watch battery? I can do it myself but I want Alan to do it for me. If he does it, it means that he loves me.



*
The issue became sensitive and I was upset with his behaviour. It was unlike Alan to delay doing something so simple. I set an expiry date for him, 2 full weeks but he did not manage the simplest of tasks set for him. In my eyes, Alan had failed as my partner. He would have done it quickly if I was important to him and since he did not get it done, it only meant that I wasn’t.

I drove to the shopping mall and I fixed the watch. By doing so, I became more angry and upset. I vented my frustration and disappointment on Alan. Oh how my heart bled knowing that the man I loved did not love me enough to even fix a damn leather watch for me.

My heart began to doubt how much love Alan had for me and if he was able to help me through with life. And for a long time, I withdrew myself from him and did not communicate my feelings to him. All Alan did was to cuddle up and kiss me. ‘I love you very much.’




*
‘Happy birthday, Otto,’ he said. It was a few weeks since the watch incident. By then, I had forgotten what the fuss was about. I was my usual chirpy self and we were celebrating my birthday with a group of friends. It was in an Italian restaurant, now I remember.

After everyone had left and we were alone, Alan passed me a box. It was my birthday present and he asked me to open it. Gleefully I tore open the wrapping paper and opened the box. It was a sweet pink Guess watch, just the kind that I liked. I looked at the Casio watch I wore on my right wrist and then at the pretty watch Alan bought me.

‘Happy birthday, Otto,’ Alan said and then he gave me a peck on my right cheek. And then I understood everything that had happened. Alan secretly bought me a new pink watch when he noticed how old my old Casio was. He wanted to give to me as a surprise birthday present and that explained why he did not change the battery, like I had wished he did.

I gave him a hug and I apologized for what looked like a spoilt child’s behaviour in previous weeks. I looked at my watch and then at the new in the box. It was then that I realised something very important.




*
Now whenever I open my drawer, I will see the watch. It is the black one, the one that I had changed its battery. The pink watch was misplaced somewhere unknown. And the lesson I learnt is this.

Women often make the mistake of doing everything too hastily. We are taught to be equals and to be independent. Sometimes we are so independent that a man has no opportunity to show his loving side. But what is love other than creating opportunities for that special someone to love and care for you? I learnt to allow a man space and time to show his affections. Not my way but his. Not my time but his. And you know what? These men never failed once.